200 Catholics, one cup. -Mass
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internal pockets are for perverts. stay chaste by only using cargo pockets
Check for bed bugs by yelling “Gee, I’m so happy there are no bed bugs here!”, and if you hear faint giggling, set the bed on fire.
Wife: I’m leaving with the kids if you don’t stop pretending our house is a hospital
Me: That would be great, we really need the beds
if we’re gonna be politically correct, the male counterpart to a mermaid is a merbutler
If pronouncing my b’s as v’s makes me sound Russian, then soviet.
So, hey, the restraining order just expired, wanted you to know
[her thinking to herself in the restaurant] he seems nice and normal
[me thinking to myself] she let the waiter twist her pepper 8 twists??
Just vacuumed my couch and found 16 bobby pins, 84 cents, 3 kinds of cereal, a spoon and a live hedgehog.
*brings empty Cheetos bag to the pharmacy for a refill*
I am officially old enough to have to put on glasses to find my pants
if you get caught speeding and a cop asks you “where’s the fire” you can just make up an address. they don’t have a list of current fires.
When I go to alcoholics anonymous my fitbit registers 12 steps.
Maybe it鈥檚 just the alcohol talking but I think I found the secret to ventriloquism
Stood up by two different men, two days in a row… what’s a girl gotta do to get a quote on a new roof these days.
Of course everyone seems sexy in a nightclub.
There’s liquor and you can’t hear them.
Wife: He’s always lying about his celebrity connections..
Therapist: Is this true?
Me: Just wait til Sonic The Hedgehog hears this bullshit.
me: just going to take off my hoodie.
shirt: me too.
me: no just the hoodie.
shirt: ok but also me too.
me: no.
belly button: hello! 馃檪
CDC: i know u been shut in all week-
ME: im good
CDC: if you have to
go out-ME: i wont
CDC: ok but if you really need-
ME: *puts headphones back in*
Me: *plucking hedge as my lord passes by*
Lord: oh manservant
Me: yes, my lord?
Lord: You trim this hedge with such care that when you鈥檝e reached the end, the rest will again be quite overgrown. Thus, your toil ever continues?
Me: yes, my lord
Lord: *chuckling* delightful 馃檪
You look like the kinda person who eats the DO NOT EAT silica packets
whenever i鈥檓 laughing i鈥檓 always like omg just like that cow from that cheese
Two heads aren’t better than one if you’re both stupid.
A lot of parenting involves doing really nice things for your kids, and your kids making you regret that decision instantly.
After a series of bad choices I am inside two wolves
I hope my enemies are walking around in wet socks.
[Conditioning my hair in the shower]
Me: *rings bell*
My hair: *salivates*
Real Estate Agent: We’re here for your routine inspection. You have to let us in.
Me (hosing down the inside of the house): One moment.
Wife: you’re drunk
Me: no’m not
Wife: I’M JUST A POOR BOY NOBODY LOVES ME
Me: HE JURSTA PRO BROY FUMMA FLOOR FLAMLEE
Wife:
Me: ok lil bit