200 Catholics, one cup. -Mass
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Thoughts and prayers for 17 who had to walk 10 minutes to school today without music because her second pair of airpods died and I refused to buy her a third pair.
My emotional support pig is now my therapy bacon.
They banned trick or treating this year so I’ll just be sitting on my porch handing out bad advice to anyone who walks by.
Him: I like it when a girl growls at me
My stomach: *growls*
Him: not like that
I like to think of brunch as the purest form of anarchy. Want a burger between 2 waffles? Go for it. Scrambled eggs on a brownie? Heck yeah! Toss some onion rings in those Froot Loops, you are ungovernable. For 90 glorious minutes, all rules of polite society have been suspended.
Me: *in the dentist chair*
Dentist: OK so whilst you have several instruments and half my belly in your mouth, I’m going to take the opportunity at this exact moment to ask about your holidays and I do expect a response.
8: mummy would you like me to give you a massage every evening
Me: you will inherit everything I own
I’m great at coloring eggs. Every morning I turn them black.
[black jack]
DEALER: 14
ME: hit me
D: 16
M: hit me
D: 23
M: hit me
D:
M:
D:
M: make it look good so my wife believes I was mugged
“I’d like to purchase some deodorant please.”
“The ball kind?”
“No, for under my arms.”
It reminds me of the time I walked in on my parents having sex and they tried to convince me they were lying on top of one another to see who was longer.
When someone is ignoring your messages..
just text them “I heard something about you”
and then ignore them too😜😜
Me: *Asks question on snapchat*
Them: *Answers question on snapchat*
Me: “Wait, what did I ask again?”
my 23 y/o boyfriend: have you heard this band? *turns on the beatles*
Sorry I screamed in terror when you showed me that pic of your offspring. She’s a very lovely whatever the hell she is.
Whenever I see someone crying in public, I figure they won Coldplay tickets.
“Our guests often come for a week but stay for months.”
– The cruise industry, putting a positive spin on Covid-19.
January 1: GONNA WORK OUT EVERYDAY
January 2: [works out]
Jan 3: [kind of works out]
Jan 4: [too busy to work out]
Jan 5: VANITY IS BULLSHIT
I actually feel bad for kids who grow up having access to unlimited knowledge. It used to be so easy to lie. When I was a kid someone told me they went to the same synagogue as Sonic the Hedgehog, and honestly I didn’t have enough information to dispute that.
If you’re wondering how much fun I am, we were watching a telly show earlier and I said “we’ve got those gherkins in the cupboard”.
I know, right?
Oh sure, E.T. can look for a snack in the fridge and end up drinking all the beer, but when I do it I suddenly “have a problem”, “get arrested” and am “banned from this supermarket”.
*watching Tom Cruise run on a hardwood floor in socks*
“Ooh, that IS risky.”
Not to brag, but my kids just unloaded the entire dishwasher without me asking, or without them noticing that the dishwasher had not been run.
I went to the bathroom and forgot my phone. Had to read the little paper about Toxic Shock Syndrome from the tampon box again
CTRL + C and CTRL + V another window
My first scholarly article was rejected in a letter so scathing I worried there might be criminal charges as well.
A police man came up to me with a sniffer dog and said, “This dog tells me you’re on drugs.”
“I’m on drugs? You’re the one talking to dogs”
I hate when people say “ the bug is more scare of you than you are of it”. DID THE BUG TELL YOU THAT ?!
I’m gonna create chaos in my neighborhood by putting giant bows on all the cars the night before Christmas.