JON BON JOVI: Keep the faith
ME: Um, we’re gonna need to do more than that to beat this virus
JON: Bad medicine is what I need
ME: Can someone take Jon home please
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Just overheard my 6-year-old son ask Alexa, “Alexa, is there anyone my dad could beat up?”
DIET TIP: You are what you eat. Do you really want to be celery? C’mon. Not even celery wants to be celery.
I don’t know why I paid for penicillin when I could have just ate the stuff in one of the kids cups I just found under the bed for free.
what’s another way to say “codependent psycho”? I want this dating profile to be perfect
If I ran a yoga class, I’d make up new names for all the poses.
Alright, we’ll start with The Wandering Kneecap, then move onto Downward-Facing Drunk, and then The Greasy Weasel.
I wish had the patience of a former coworker who would peel her strawberries
“Erectile Dysfunction” is such a harsh term. Why not just call it “Sleepy Peepee?”
I wanted to be the last man on Earth just to find out if all those ladies were lying to me.
Me: Do you have any books on paranoia?
Librarian : They’re right behind you.
Much like the giant panda and the snow leopard, the 20-something white girl without a wrist tattoo is now an endangered species.
Wife: I had a terrible night’s sleep. Tossed and turned. Couldn’t get comfortable. It’s only 6 AM and I’m in such a horrible mood already. How did you sleep?
Me [who slept 8 straight hours and didn’t get up once to pee]: Same.
Me: Excel, could you copy paste values pls
Excel: (smoking cigarette and eating Doritos) yeah I can do it but it’s gonna take like 10 minutes
Me: why
Excel: (eating three chips at once) because I don’t like you
Me: When I die, cremate me and dump my ashes in the Gulf.
15: Ok
Me: And a memorial bench by the beach.
15: No, you’re not getting a bench, they cost a fortune. Not a chance. I’ll slap a sticker with your name on it on a bench outside of Target and we’ll call it a day.
I inject heroin into my arm that’s scarred from times prior, my eyes roll back into my head as my manager pounds on my door telling me I’m on in five minutes. Let’s rock I say as I grab my bass guitar, take a pull of whisky, and get into my chuckee cheese mouse band costume
Oddly enough, ever since downloading
AdBlock onto my computer …..all the local girls in my area
seem to have lost interest.
6: Why don’t you juice oranges for me anymore?
Me: You broke my juicer.
6: When I juiced that play dough?
M: yep
Why are flashlights marketed with law enforcement imagery? Every time I need one I feel like I’m some insecure prick trying to act like Rambo. Why are they shaming my need for light that way?
The trick to taking your toddler to a movie is making sure there is another toddler in the theatre who is behaving worse.
The game? A foot.
The door? A jar.
The Fred? A stair.
Dentist: Ok, I’m going to start drilling.
“Wait! What if I have to poop?”
D: Then you should go now.
*awkward pause*
“Thanks I feel better.”
If taking off your pants doesn’t solve your problems, get different problems.
Imagine you were a vampire nowhere near the Middle East and don’t know who Jesus is but the day after he dies you gotta figure out why lower case t’s started hurting.
My son is taking a bartending class at college so I think I’m finally going to start seeing a return on my investment.
Apparently, we have unique tongue prints, just like fingerprints.
So quit licking my windows. I can find out who you are.
People who aren’t entombed in 8 feet of snow, what’s it like to live in a tropical paradise?
murdering your brother and then responding “i don’t know. am i my brother’s keeper?” when god, creator of the universe, asks where your brother is because He lost track of one of the four people on earth is just. wow, they don’t make characters like that anymore.
I told my husband I wanted a hedgehog and he said we don’t need a hedgehog. Long story short, we’re picking it up on Thursday.
Apparently at some point in history, hotcakes sold quite briskly.
Day 6 of Quarantine: C-Section went smooth. The Cuties are in great shape and mother is recovering
*carrying an armload of condoms to the CVS counter*
Excuse me, where are the fitting rooms?