@iTweetNShit: $2000 date? We better be sitting at the table with Jay-Z and Obama at the same time while eating dinosaurs & sippin' on virgin Indian tears.
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@TheBoydP: [work email] Me: Can I meat the new guy? Boss: Meet? Okay, sure... Me: Great! *hides bag of steaks*
@ElKnuckelhombre: [date shouting over music on the dance floor]: WHY ARE YOU HOLDING TWO CORN DOGS? Me: BECAUSE I NEVER KNOW WHAT TO DO WITH MY HANDS!
@Darlainky: Poker is a game of pretending you've got something better than you really do. Poker sounds a lot like my marriage.
@nicfit75: Fact: Children can hear at a higher frequency than adults. How no one has developed an effective child-repellant yet is beyond me.