2000 years ago:
god: i shall sacrifice my only son so that all may have eternal lifeToday:
god, watching us eat tide pods: jesus christ
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89% of the time when my husband tells me I look great what he really means is “We needed to leave five minutes ago.”
My son, in the restaurant: “Mom! If you don’t stop dancing to Despacito I’m literally going to drink and drive, and I don’t have a license yet.”
The world: “That movie is abysmal trash and should never have been made.”
Horror fans: “I own it on VHS, DVD, blu-ray and 4K and watch it twice a year.”
Today I met people who had twin 6 month old babies, and they would not even let me have the one that really liked me. Selfish.
Love is not pushing them down the stairs when you have the opportunity.
when girls eat strawberries it’s like sexy and hot but when i eat an entire potato in one bite like a snake it’s weird???? ok
When someone asks if I have any hobbies
#WhenIWas12IThought very little 🙌
It’s my mate’s birthday today. He doesn’t drink, smoke, gamble or cheat on his missus. We’ve got no idea how to celebrate it.
[2 monkeys in a bath]
Monkey 1: OOOHH OOHH AHH AHHH AHAH!!
Monkey 2: If it’s too hot Colin, put some cold water in
[text from wife]
I want a divorceMe: *stands up at desk* YES!!!
*starts breakdancing*
*books trip to Bahamas*
*kisses Carol in accounting*
*goes into boss’s office* I QUIT!!![…typing]
Haha, April fools
Me: [puts dog food into dish]
My dog: eh I’m not hungry
[1 minute later]
Me: [opens package of cheese]
My dog: oh great I’m STARVING
My psychiatrist and I had a major breakthrough.
Now he can hear the voices too.
Halloween combines my 3 least favorite things: Answering the door, giving away food and children.
[Outside court]
Reporter: How does it feel now you’ve cleared your name?
: Odd
Okay, I can see the head, keep pushing!
If you breed Catdog with a catfish, you have a 25% chance of getting a pure cat.
Accidentally blurted out “skip intro” when someone wasn’t getting to the point.
Why are Americans so obsessed with the British royal family? It’s like constantly checking your ex’s Instagram 245 years after the breakup.
Wife: can you please stop referring to our entire marriage as your “awkward phase”
well. like. what the hell does that leave me with then i mean cmon
Ariel: I wanna be where the people are!
Me: idiot
I made a Tinder account for 1st time ever today for some blog research and it’s going pretty well.
the first rule of OCD club is that there must be a second rule so we have an even number of rules
DAD: you need to look out for people
ME: yes we’re all in this together
[thump thump]
ME [slams on brakes] omg what was that?!
DAD: as I was saying
Since finding a huge spider in my slipper I now keep em on a chair cuz my little brain decided spiders don’t like chairs.
I lost my cool when I had to click on a heart three times before it would stick.
I’d probably make a lousy paramedic.
Tonight: softball
Tomorrow: Advil
“my dad could beat up your dad”
we’re brothers you idiot
*cut to dad stepping on rake, knocking himself out*