Everyone on twitter: (already terrified all of the time)
Mashable: [promoted tweet] This cute new robot can shudder and squirm through the underside of a closed door and inject heart-stopping drugs from ten feet away! š
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I just don’t understand people who see Tesla hit pedestrians, blow up, and malfunction constantly and are like “yes please Mr. Musk I want to drive one underwater”
Hate when youāre walking behind someone & want to pass them & then they start the ādriftā & you both crash into a shelf of glass figurines.
[train]
MAN EATING NUTS: “Want one?” [offers bag]
MAN IN TRENCHCOAT: “May I haveā¦ seven?”
[coat rustles excitedly]
[After date, walking her to her door]
Her: Thanks. I would invite you in, but I don’t want to.
You should never text and drive. All it takes is one moment of distraction and suddenly everyone in the group chat thinks you can’t spell.
New comic up. “Ransom”
Hub: Did you eat all the nachos?
Me: Noooo. I had one nacho.
Hub: because they were stuck together?
Me: LIKE I SAID, ONE NACHO!
Me: I should tell him how I feel.
Beer: Nah.
Vodka: Just be sweet about it.
Whiskey: Or yell it.
Tequila: MAKE SURE YOU CRY GUYS LOVE THAT
age 20: I was in a car accident, my ride is totaled. I wonāt be into work until after lunch
age 40: I did something to my back brushing my teeth, I need to lie down for 3 weeks
Jehovah’s Witnesses door-to-door success rate would be a lot higher if they partnered up with the Girl Scouts & started selling cookies …
Every time I buy vegetables it’s a triumph of hope over experience.
Having an older dog means ten seconds after you drop a piece of food, you have to drop an even bigger piece of food so they can find it.
date: did you just eat a fry off the dirty ground?
me: first of all, potatoes grow in the ground.
Erm I’m gonna say no
I taught my youngest niece and nephew to say “Mommy steals credit cards” when they’re in a checkout line.
Movie Law:
All computer hackers have to say “We’re in” when they get into “the system”
Canāt. Busy getting sized up for a sister wife by the dude at tractor supply.
It’s time to play “Is My Kid Hugging Me or Cleaning His Nose or Both?”
I would thrive as a castle guard. Leaning on my spear. Leering at wenches. Move along. Hail citizen. Halt. And so on
me: can i have a raise?
boss: i think the better question is how can we meet your career goals
me: by giving me more money
ā«Whip me up, Before you Nae Nae
Don’t leave me hanging on like a Bae Baeā«
During A$AP Rocky’s hearing today in Sweden he was asked if he goes by any nicknames.
His response: “Yes, Rocky, A$AP Rocky, pretty motherf*cker”
#FreeRocky
getting a ācan we rescheduleā text right before leaving the house
My signature move is putting on my reading glasses when I don’t understand what the person in front of me is saying.
My 9-month-old ate part of her sisterās math worksheet and now weāre waiting to see if she passes algebra.
new year update: losing everything but weight
ASK NOT WHAT YOUR COUNTRY CAN DO FOR YOU
ASK IF YOUR COUNTRY IS THE REASON YOU CANāT LOOK AT YOUR NEWSFEED WITHOUT SCREAMING IN TONGUES
When I bend down to feed the cat she leaps onto my back.When I try to stand back up it’s the saddest tiny rodeo you’ve ever seen.
A grown man smelling like baby powder stood next to me today.
My maternal instincts have never been so confused.
I just got a text from an ex telling me he wanted to āreach out.ā This isnāt a work email buddy.