2003: Fear that ppl from the internet will find me in real life.
2013: Fear that ppl from real life will find me on the internet.
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[god, creating chickens]
Put a red beard on a fat hiccuping sparrow. Give him a matching hat, I don’t care
*adds alone time to my Amazon wishlist*
Hey girl, are you an extraterrestrial? ‘Cause your husband’s out here acting like you don’t exist.
Spider: Why are you terrified by me?
Me: Well the reasons I had have all now been replaced by the fact you can talk.
[After reading vows]
Me: Why are you upset?
Her:
Me: Was it the Donald-
Her: Yes, it was the Donald Duck voice.
Welcome to your 40s. Your ability to be sneaky will now be hindered by your bones cracking when you walk.
i’m just a girl, standing in front of a fan, talking into it so i sound like a robot.
I’m smart. Just not remembers how to write a cursive Z, smart.
I got a pocket got a pocket full of sunshine
Sunshine: Please let me go. I have children.
My husband is bringing our puppy to the Farmer’s Market to socialize her. I am staying home and adding vodka to my coffee to socialize me.
*wakes up to wife and son screaming*
me: What are you guys yelling about?
them: YOU’RE DRIVING
Local news : box full of kittens mistaken for a bomb. I have to go to this town. I may be mistaken for Megan Fox.
I like to add winky faces to non sexual sentences.
“I put the rest of the water in the fridge ;)”
my roommate is freaked out.
Cashier: Next
Me: Why are these fingerless gloves full price?
Cashier: Oh shit it’s you again
“How do you like your tea? Milk, sugar, eels?”
“Eels?”
“Okay, eels.” I say, unscrewing the cap on a carton of highly agitated eels.
I’ve finally reached the age where no one asks me to help them move.
Suddenly realized I forgot about the tea I made a couple hours ago, only to find I also forgot to actually make the tea
In public
4: (loudly) Mummy, I stroked your back hair!
Me: Yes, you stroked THE BACK OF MY HAIR
I’m not interested in men anymore, my focus is on buffets.
I reply to “Happy New Year” with “not if I have anything to do with it.”
Some parenting days swing very quickly and extremely between “I’d die for my kid” and “I know why some animals eat their young”.
Friggen “pharmacist” won’t give me over the counter kisses for my boo boos smh
Sometimes I answer your rhetorical questions because I think you are that stupid.
Yelling out “Stranger Danger!” is a good way to say no when a cashier asks for your zip code.
10yo: I’m confused. The paper says “20s theme.” But this is the 20s. So we dress like we do everyday?
Me:
Me:
Me: That’s exactly what it means.
Toddlers be like, we can do this the hard way or the harder way.
I’ve seen your area rug, and you sir are not single.
governor said not to attend any gatherings w/ more than 10 people so I guess I’m still on for the smashmouth concert
If my dad were still alive today I’m sure he’d be really pissed off over that whole cremation thing.
I was standing in the line at McDonald’s yesterday and just as I got to the counter my boyfriend kissed me and then loudly said ‘you are the best sister ever’ and walked away and the girl in McDonald’s looked at me in disgust and I’ve never wanted to die so much in my life