2005: We want cell phones to be so tiny
2015: We want cell phones the size of the big rib from the Flintstones intro that tips the car over
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My kids are yelling and fighting, again.
I really should have Adopted a Highway instead.
I just ordered a life alert bracelet, so if I ever get a life I will be notified immediately.
Me: Just wanted to let you know I named my car after you.
Friend: That’s so sweet, but why?
Me: Because you’re also a wreck.
the era of facebook check-ins was nothing but toxic chaos for our friendships. like what do you mean you’re at cvs without me.
I still think “nonfungible” sounds like it means “cannot be turned into a mushroom”.
*sees people doing the mannequin challenge, brings back ice bucket challenge and dumps it on mannequin people*
Them: What is wrong with you?
Me: How much time do you have?
I’ll leave a to-do list on the table in case any of you stalkers get bored.
My 5yo didn’t wanna get in the bath last night so I told her it was filled with birthday water and this was her only chance to experience it until her next bday and I’ve never seen her get in the bath faster. Now if you don’t mind, I’m gonna ride this parenting high for a bit.
asbestos? I’m doing asbestos I can
The problem with studying ancient Chinese art is I want some Mexican art a half an hour later.
“Always wear a pretty bra. The worst case is nobody sees it.”
~ Not an old Irish proverb
I play guitar but I only know a couple songs
Them: what kind of guitar?
Me: air guitar
Parenting experts suggest allowing children to try, even if they fail, so they can learn and grow.
But my mother-in-law’s son is 45 and I’m growing impatient.
You know it’s time to quit smoking when you laugh at a tweet and you sound like Muttley.
Wife: What do you think our song is?
Me: I’d have to say “Happy Birthday”. It’s the song we’ve sung together the most.
Wife: Idiot…
Who called it “unplugging the life support machine” and not “pulling the RIP cord”?
Man, we’re losing so many people at work. Eric got fired, Amy found a new job, Rich evolved into a being of pure energy and ascended to a higher plane of existence, Sam’s internship ended… Everyone’s leaving.
Start calling divorces “incidents”
Level up on that intrigue
I like to make things awkward at family gatherings by walking up behind each person and whispering ‘I know what you did last Christmas’
It only looks like my kids are having popsicles for breakfast, Brenda, those are clearly frozen smoothies
In space, no one can hear you scream. Because it’s space, and everyone is on the ground. What are you even doing up there?
How to lose weight:
1. Name your kid Weight
2. Take it to the mall
Judging by the state of my toddler every day when I pick her up, her preschool has an “all children wearing sunscreen must be rolled in sand” policy
The human body is made up of 80% water, therefore, I’m not fat; I’m flooded
[in bed]
HER: I want you to do something naughty
ME: ok *spoils Infinity War ending before she’s seen it*
WHY would you be happy about this?
Just saw a bumper sticker that said “supprt your local beaver” or maybe it said “support your local brewer” either way it’s sound advice.
Pamela Anderson attends a function make up free and is hailed bold and brave. I do it and get holy water and a crucifix thrown at me!!