[2005, youtube’s first pitch meeting]
ok so basicaly its like if america’s funniest home videos was on 24 hrs a day on evrey computer–
SOLD
You Might Also Like
Him: i like a girl who’s not afraid to take charge
Me, a rhinoceros: nice
9 called to ask how much bleach it takes to get purple ink out of carpet and because she’s so cute and at her dad’s I went with all of it!
[Being murdered]
You’re on my hair
Don’t shoot until you see the whites of their eyes!!
The other side: *has jaundice wins the war*
my premium snap prices:
-pics of me crying: $5
-videos of me crying: $10
-videos of me crying in the mirror while throwing the peace sign: $15
Her: Stop stalling and sign the divorce papers.
Me: *does “the divorce papers” in sign language* THERE I HOPE YOU’RE HAPPY
[Whoville]
Neighbor: Man the Grinch sucks
Me: Yeah he’s kinda grumpy I guess
Neighbor: Nah man he’s a real piece of shit
Me: Seems harsh
Neighbor: *pulls out tuba* I wrote a song about how much I hate him
Me: Ok this is starting to feel like bullying
GOD: my latest creation will have the body of an ape, the voice box of a parrot, the skin of a pig, and the intelligence of a dolphin. I call it Human, and it will destroy everything else I’ve made
ANGELS: [confused applause]
Me: Hi Gammy.
Her: Do I know you?
Me: When did she get amnesia?
Sister: She doesn’t have amnesia. She owes you money.
break the monotony of your uber driver’s day by saying “sorry about your car” as you get out
[first date]
HER: I like a man who can show his true feelings.
ME: *leans in close* I don’t care what you like.
MAR 14: Pi Day
MAR 15: Ides of March
MAR 17: St. Patrick’s DayMAR 16: middle child, left out as usual
I scream. You scream. We all scream. This fancy wine bars toilet gender signs were unclear.
Anybody want to buy some exercise equipment? I’m having a going-out-of-fitness sale.
For someone so concerned with marriage licenses, God sure was focused on dinosaurs for 180 million years.
Cool prank:
Dig up 200 earthworms. I will tell you about the rest of the prank later
All I’m saying is that I’ve chaperoned a 25 student class field trip and you’re definitely in trouble if you lose even one of them.
I accidentally put on my dad’s deodorant this morning and now I’m walking around offering people hard candy and asking “Working hard or hardly working?”
Donald Trump is probably the closest we’ll ever get to electing Eric Cartman president.
Humans should grow a new set of teeth in our 30s to make-up for all the poor decisions in our 20s.
Him, handing me a beer: One for the road?
Me: Sure.
Me, pouring it on the street: This seems wasteful.
Me: I am become death. Destroyer of worlds.
Her: Will you please just spray the hornets’ nest?
Me: K.
Never reach into a girl’s purse. Anything could be inside, a bear could be in there. You just don’t know.
Please stop making sex robots, if I want to have sex I’ll do it the way God intended: By making a regular robot fall in love with me.
We only have one day set aside to celebrate women, but sharks get a whole week! Clearly, women need to start eating more people.
Let’s make “door pants” a thing. Those pants you leave by your front door so when delivery people knock on your door you have easy access.
The thing about someone cropping you out of a photo is that this person thought it’d be more off putting to be seen with you than with a dismembered arm
Does refusing to workout count as resistance training?
5: if you take a shortcut in a food maze, it’s not cheating it’s eating