[2005, youtube’s first pitch meeting]
ok so basicaly its like if america’s funniest home videos was on 24 hrs a day on evrey computer–
SOLD
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If we go into lockdown again, can we just buy the sourdough this time?
Fall, when my kids clean the yard by bringing ALL the leaves into the house
Mission Control: Stand by for launch in 5-4-3
Astronaut: WE’RE NOT READY YET
MC: Why?
Me: [in background] No way man seatbelts are for nerds
[runs to the door to greet wife]
I’m afraid there’s been a terrible accident involving all the things you asked me to do today.
A foghorn but for people who can’t see through their own bullshit.
Me: do you love natural peanut butter, but hate stirring it?
Construction Boss: I’m not questioning the concept, it’s just not your cement mixer
*police sirens*
*Dad bursts into my room wearing a panda suit*
QUICK HIDE THESE NO TIME TO EXPLAIN
*throws a litter of panda cubs at me*
Saint Waddle is the patron saint of pancakes and ducks. She loved to flip the bird.
Unpopular opinion but siren songs low key kinda slap
ⓘ 𝗧𝗵𝗶𝘀 𝘂𝘀𝗲𝗿 𝗶𝘀 𝗹𝗼𝘀𝘁 𝗮𝘁 𝘀𝗲𝗮
my serotonin level is perusing other interests it seems.
Whoever robbed the archery store, take a bow.
I’m amazed they make so many cars without turn signals. Seems like that would be a requirement on a vehicle.
CW: Aimee, could I get your signature on this agreement?
Me: *pauses*
(with Cheeto stained lips)
*kisses paper*
CW:
Me: That’s my signature.
Ominous music should play when you meet the wrong ppl.
18 years old: let’s eat pizza at 1am and feel amazing
40 years old: I ate a chicken sandwich at 9pm and had heartburn for two days
Jaws is exceptionally funny if you just imagine the shark is trying to be friends with the guys on the boat and they keep running away.
Happy Thanksgiving!!! (Penny wanted to dress up as a “Fancy Turkey”… Pls nobody tell her!!)
DATE: It’s hard to find a girl that likes goth guys
ME: [hiding a lantern in my purse] You know, it’s weird, I actually thought your profile said moth guys
My husband and I are very compatible.
He’s a problem solver and I have lots of them.
Pho tastes great for a food that sounds like it just gave up.
The fact that we don’t use towels to dry towels makes me question the value of towels.
Some people like to stir the pot…
…I prefer to smoke it.
My Mother worries about me living in London sometimes.
I tell her it’s not London she has to worry about.
I just injured myself on a potato.
For my morning walk, I’m not blasting music into my brain. You are not going to hear anything more lovely them the way the birds sound today and also I can’t get my earbuds to work.
COWORKER: Thanks for your help on that project. You’re a peach!
ME: I am a peach! I’m round, I’m fuzzy, and according to my urologist, I have a HUGE stone inside me!
Okay this futility isn’t going to exercise itself
These people at work keep interrupting my naps.
I’m fine with you not liking my tweets, as I’m adult enough to deal with it. Also, your moms a whore.
I just left a pregnancy test box in my brother’s bathroom to mess with him and his new girlfriend.
I make out with a squirrel at a party one time, and now everyone is scared of me?
That’s just ridiculous, he was dead for at least 2 hours.