Me and the fellas making welcome gift baskets for the aliens.
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Well, actually, FBI is not an acronym; it’s an initialism, because you can’t pronounce it as a word.
Mom: This is why you have no friends.
Maybe I carry an axe. You don’t know. I could love you to pieces…
[first date]
ME: Don’t let her know you’re a teacher
HER: [eats mint from purse] So, w-
ME: I HOPE YOU BROUGHT ENOUGH FOR THE WHOLE CLASS
[first date]
HER: i’m really into astronomy
ME: [revealing my secret stash of Milky Ways] you don’t say
Thinking about becoming a yak farmer, gonna run this by the HOA
I hate it when I see an old person and then realize we went to high school together
Wife: our daughter just said shit.
Me: oh no! what do we do?
Wife: obviously we can’t curse around the house anymore.
Me: [gasp] you think the house taught her that word?
No one is more productive than a guy who’s been laying on the couch for two hours and suddenly realizes his wife will be home in 5 minutes.
General Anesthesia implies the existence of Major Anesthesia.
Never tell a woman you’re infatuated with her. All she’ll hear is “fat”.
[at the office]
Secretary: There’s a fax here for you.
Me: When did it arrive?
Secretary: 1983.
Me: Great. Let me know when the pony express pulls up with the mail from 1861.
[face down in a bowl of hot soup]
WAITER: is everything ok?
ME: could I get a spoon or something
One of the reasons I had to retire early is because I ran out family members that died excuses for not coming in to work.
feeling some mixed emotions while eating dried apricots because it’s like i’m eating human ears but they’re tasty
Never have I ever… rushed out of my house pretending I had to be somewhere & drove around neighborhood to get somebody to leave.
Some days you’re on top of the world…other days you accidentally shoplift a pair of thong panties that became attached to your purse and you’re just struttin around mid crime spree none the wiser
If you’re about to be attacked by a bear, just dress up as a pirate. It won’t help you survive but it’ll make an interesting headline.
I would marry Christopher Walken just so I could listen to him talk and regret it three months in.
Pandas are seen as useless because they lack energy, they don’t have sex and they have extremely poor diets. I am basically a panda.
Why he land on that little girl like that☠️
Turns out a spiral-cut ham will not walk down stairs like a Slinky.
I can’t stand fake people.
Unless you’re with me and we are faking that we are sober for a cop.
Then you need to be Oscar winning fake.
Doctor: “You have acute appendicitis.”
Me: *blushing* “Oh you. I bet you say that to all your patients.”
Not to brag, but I can cure my wife’s insomnia just by taking my clothes off.
Me: c’mon get back in the car
Serial killer vehemently shakes his head no
That time hackers stole my nudes and returned them.
After he loses, everyone who supported Trump should have to spend a year on an island where he gets to make all the decisions.
Garfield: I hate Mondays
Therapist: You don’t even have a job
The Count of Monte Cristo remains popular because it speaks to that universal human desire to flex on everyone you went to school with
All day: I’m so tired I could cry
12:30 am: Not only should I write a musical, I should do it right now