Never Never Never tell someone you are patient.
They will test you…
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They say “Liar, Liar, Pants on Fire” but what happens if you tell a lie with no pants on?
[christmas day]
God: *opens gift* wow these are cool what are they
Angel: i call them wasps, they’re kinda like bees except they’re really angry, don’t die when they sting and serve no purpose whatsoever
God: they’ll be perfect for earth, thanks Lucifer
[On the way home from school pick-up]
Me: So, what did you do at school today?
9: I burned down everything that exists.
5: No you didn’t! Then why is that fence there? Why am I here?
9: I also trapped my brother in a world of make-believe.
*clicks on hotel tv’s Adult Zone*
“Oh hell yeah.”
*it’s just a bunch of people paying bills and doing yard work*
“…Oh hell yeah.”
Tired this morning me would like to have a word with stayed up too late last night me.
*holding your xray up to the light and looking at it*
when did you first notice your back hurting?
“after the knife went in”
According to a Doritos bag size I’m a “Family.”
Please stop asking Santa for the perfect woman…….
3 times he’s tried to kidnap me this week
I’m lost & peeing on the side of the road in the middle of nowhere, just wish this bear who’s about to kill me gave me a little more privacy
escape room employee: would you like a hint?
me: hmm this door says PUSH which likely stands for Pull Until Secrets Happen
“Want a treat?”
“Is it medicine?”
“It’s peanut butter.”
“Is it medicine?”
“You love peanut butter!”
“ANSWER THE QUESTION, DOUG.”
A relationship so stable you can buy concert tickets 4 months in advance >>
Leaving the beach yesterday I said to myself ‘don’t leave your phone on the roof of the car, woman’.
Long story short, someone found my phone on the side of the road and just returned it to me
i am developing a ground brekaing new app called “MOneyWallet”, where you earn “Money Points” by mailing cash to my house
detectives are always like “what were u doing the night of april 5th” i literally couldn’t tell u what i was doing 6 hours ago bro just lock me up
Got fired by the DMV for giving Stuart Little his driver’s license
Each time my husband yells for the Warriors an angel (me) uses his credit card.
My dog is coming home from surgery today and I hope he did ok. He can’t afford another malpractice suit.
If your wife asks “Why are you like that?” It’s a compliment, right?
funny that they call it a bell pepper, and yet the onion rings
[1st date]
Me: [putting my jacket over my dates shoulders]
Her: “Thank you but I’m not cold”
Me: [covering her awful dress] “Yes you are”
The day started well when I picked up my car keys to turn on the television.
God: You’ll be huge and fat
Blue Whale: Dang
God: Awful eyesight
Whale: Ugh
God: No predators- except other whales
Whale: I don’t wanna do thi-
God: Biggest junk on the planet
Whale: I’m in
The only thing worse than sitting down on a cold toilet seat is sitting down on a warm toilet seat.
banned from gardening forum for saying “it was me” every time someone posted and said “help, something is eating my tomatoes”
Rabbits who hang out in indie pet stores are hopsters.
There are now more photos of girls in bathroom mirrors than there are of the entire 1940’s.
My only crime was love. And 6 different murders in 3 different states. Also some criminal mischief. Tbh it was a pretty rough week.
I bet to vampires we all just look like giant Capri Suns.
I only fight in alleys so I can put them in a dumpster after I win