*first day as a firefighter*
I don’t think this place is open for lunch, it’s on fire
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They need a coach to help people deplane. “You can do this… grab your bag. You got it. Now go! GO! GO! Get off the plane, you idiot!”
I bet the worst part about being a birthday cake is when you’re set on fire, and then eaten by the hero that saved you.
No trip to Home Depot is complete without at least two more trips to Home Depot for what you didn’t know you needed to buy the first time.
I use a wheelchair. When someone asks the person I’m with “What’s her name?” I tell the person I’m with to say “Your guess is as good as mine.”
[home depot]
ME: I think I like this huge decorative rock
HER: Boulder
ME: Ok [with confidence] I REALLY LOVE THIS HUGE DECORATIVE ROCK
I just got a text from an ex telling me he wanted to “reach out.” This isn’t a work email buddy.
Welcome
*looks at selfie*
“Hmmm I need more flattering lighting”
*tries again inside an unlit abandoned coal mine*
“ahhh much better”
Sorry girl, you know you were dating a bad boy *heads out to fight boss without saving or buying potions*
20s: he is smart, funny, and hot, he’s my soulmate.
30s: he loves kids and dogs, he’s my soulmate.
40s: we have the same third favourite colour, he’s my soulmate.
You think you’re hardcore? Watch THIS!
*Drinks vodka straight from the potato*
Mary Poppins: 🎶A spoonful of sugar makes the medicine go down🎶
Death Row inmate: how did you get in here
INSTRUCTIONS FOR HUSBANDS TOLD TO DO LAUNDRY:
1.Know when to hold em
2.Know when to fold em
3.Know when to walk away
4.Know when to run
In Australia what doesn’t kill you is probably just saving you for the sharks.
Roses are red,
I love mashed potato.
Poetry is hard,
laminator.#PoetryDay
The mailman told my husband he banged every woman on the block, except for 1, I told him it had to be Carol next door, she’s really not friendly
6 yo son: Who would win a fight between a hippo and a lion?
Me: I dunno, maybe the hippo because he’s big and can stomp?
6: Wrong, the lion has a knife.
Kind of rude when I get home from vacation and my plants look better than when I left
I’m so sorry for your loss. Your husband is in a better place now.
“B-but he left me for a-”
-A richer woman? I know. Her house is gorgeous!
My son just let a girl “borrow” his hoodie.
Should I tell him now or let him learn?
is this a threat
[date]
HER: ok let’s both say our greatest fear at the same time, 3 2 1
HER: being alone
ME: a clown eating my hotdog
My 3 year old had a tantrum earlier and afterwards he apologized for yelling at me. When I started to hug him, he said ‘if you just did what I wanted I wouldn’t get mad.’
Same, kid. Same.
I’d get into a lesbian relationship just to mooch my girlfriend’s hair care products.
Me: how about if I scrunch down a little more
DMV Photographer: you absolutely cannot have your horse in this picture
I was thinking about blocking the Suez canal but that ship has sailed
got an email from old navy about the steps they’re taking to combat covid-19 so I guess the worst is over, and also tank tops are half price
[date]
Me: ‘Don’t let her know ur a boxing ring announcer…’
Her: “Shall we order dessert?”
Me: “LET’S GET READY TO EAT APPLE CRUUUUMBLE!”