2008: i guess i’d prefer a candidate with a few more years of governing experience
2028: i voted for president bruno mars by scanning a bottle of mountain dew with my iphone
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Me: *giggling* no, I love you more.
Him: who are you and how did you get inside my house?
Don’t pee on my head and tell me it’s raining, buddy!
(In fact please don’t pee on my head and tell me anything, this was just a metaphor but still)
One day you’re young and the next you can’t duck under the garage door without tripping the sensor.
The cat just yelled at the Roomba for making him get up and, as the father of two young kids, I’ve never felt closer to that feline.
I thought I brushed my hair before I left for work, but the mirror in the office bathroom has a different opinion.
It’s bath time, darling, fetch me my toaster.
[first day as a chiropractor]
assistant: all your patients are complaining
me: I mean…it’s my first day, I’m still trying to get the hang of it
assistant: ok, but do you really have to sing “baby got back” every time?
Marriage tip: If your wife says “I didn’t do it” what she means is “You did it”. Accept it and don’t worry that you don’t remember doing it.
My boyfriend’s really happy we can meet up again now lockdown’s over
My husband not so much so
If you’re a doctor, don’t look up from my lab results and just say, “Six months,” when you mean, “COME BACK in six months.”
Her: You should meditate.
Me: And be alone with my thoughts? No thank you.
At what point do we just ask Britney’s dad to do a conservatorship for Kanye?
Me: Bed time
Hotel room: Good luck turning the lights off
Me: Easy. This one
Hotel: No. Bed light
Me: This one?
Hotel: Desk light
Me: This one?
Hotel: LOL You just turned on the curtain lights
Me: WTF? And that light in the wardrobe?
Hotel: 2400lux stadium lighting
Alarm: wake up
Hey when I die will you please put my body into a box and then bury it in a big yard specifically for body boxes?
What if I don’t take meds?
Dr: Depression
What are the side effects of meds?
Dr: Depression
What if I stop taking the meds?
Dr: Depression
Shout out to my neighbor who never emerges from his place except to take selfies with a sword
I’m at that stage in life where my bladder is at its weakest and my phobia of public toilets is at its strongest.
[cornerman sitting me down after the first round] ya gotta stop telling him you’re diabetic he doesn’t care
I’m stoned. Either the smoke alarm is beeping or the house is backing up.
Me: Mow the lawn.
Son: I don’t want to.
Me: Me either, that’s why I’m telling you to do it.
People at the library need to learn how to be quiet. Some of us are trying to beatbox over here.
Sister: have you met any nice men lately?
Me: we are failing the Bechdel test.
Me: I’ve got the singing voice of an angle
Friend: Don’t you mean angel?
M: Nope, people hear me sing and do a complete 180
The sun is 100% solar-powered.
Children are our future. Clean burning. Renewable. Children.
I’m convinced that anytime you call customer service they check your twitter to see if you have enough followers to bash them before they do anything for you
Him: What the hell is a palindrome?
Me: No, it’s not
Bang me like a vending machine that cheated you out of a snack.
I’m not stalking you. I’m trying to help you find that sock that you dropped behind the door before you left for work Wednesday at 7:04.
Like seashell soaps, my Ferrero Rocher are decorative.