2008: i guess i’d prefer a candidate with a few more years of governing experience
2028: i voted for president bruno mars by scanning a bottle of mountain dew with my iphone
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Our family rule is that if the kid’s costume costs more than $50, they have to wear it to school at least four times after Halloween.
Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day? You smell of bins.
ok i’ll bite.. what is Britain
Never go shopping on an empty stomach, I just went to Macy’s before dinner and ate 7 turtle necks
Have you ever felt like something was touching your face at night? Don’t you worry. It’s just a MOTH, DRINKING YOUR TEARS WHILE YOU SLEEP.
Got my ponytail stuck in the paper shredder again.
*cancels haircut appt*
So, if I take out a reverse mortgage on my house does that mean I’ll own a bank after 30 years?
Of course I’m a mom, why else would I hide in the laundry room to eat cake?
When you get a 3D printer, don’t mess around. Go straight to printing money.
My phone autocorrected killed to kilt. Well plaid, phone. Well plaid.
I have a devil tattooed on each shoulder cause I hate arguments.
I love triscuits. It’s like eating a basket
I was having a good day until my imaginary friend stole my coloring book & crayons & he demands $100 for their return.
What a stressful day!
look, men and women are BIOLOGICALLY different. ever since the cave man times boys have loved cars and girls have loved toy ovens
SON: Hey Dad, how come we never put a star on top of our Christmas tree?
T-REX: Just because okay
😂🤣😂🤣
The first time I ever had sushi some of the avocado fell out and as I was talking I mistook the chunk of wasabi for it.
This pretty much sums up my life choices.
“Just because you can’t dance, doesn’t mean you shouldn’t dance.” -Alcohol
Intro to salsa class was weird, I starved myself all day, there was no chips or dips and then these weirdo’s were all grabby and dancing around
nicole kidman please name your next child Teendude
Just broke my very own personal record of most consecutive days without dying.
[movie theater]
*reaches into wife’s purse*
*pulls out lasagna*
me: Told you it’d work
[at my grandmas house]
MY GRANDMA (not the grandma whose house we’re at but my other grandma): (to my grandma whose house we are at) hey
*octopus goes in for a palm reading*
Psychic: “CANCEL ALL MY APPOINTMENTS”
ME: *falls into gorilla enclosure*
GORILLA: [in sign language] I have a boyfriend.
Yesterday I wrote an email to a customer named Trish where I apologized profusely, took ownership of our mistakes, and explained we would do anything to correct the situation. I averted disaster two seconds before I sent it when I saw my typo in the first two words, “Dear Trash,”
My 7y/o son walked in without eyebrows and I was just about to put him in timeout for shaving them off when I noticed tweezers in my dog’s crate and now I don’t know who to punish.
WIFE: *all cute* you wanna make me French toast?
ME: *not looking up from my phone* I would never make you kiss anything you didn’t want to, Sharon.
Prince: it’s taking an awfully long time to let down that hair
Curly-haired Rapunzel: (struggling with a straightening iron) be PATIENT
GUY: *busts in bleeding* i owe money to some bad dudes you gotta help me
ME: *proudly reaches down and pulls the pennies out of my loafers* you’ve come to the right place