2010: Didn’t jog
2011: Didn’t jog
2012: Didn’t jog
2013: Didn’t jog
2014: Haven’t jogged~ This is a running joke
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OMG I opened the door to let the dog in and there was a slug on the door AND IT GOT ON MY HAND SO I SCREAMED LIKE A TODDLER AND THE DOG ATE IT TO PROTECT ME. And now we are both embarrassed.
wife: You’re home early
me [hugging the dog] I had to see you
wife, giving birth: we have got to get to the hospital ASAP
me: who’s all gonna be there
I just took my neighbor’s home security sign and put it in my yard, because the theft on my street is getting out of hand.
[washing my hands in the blood of my enemies] *counting to 20 in my head*
Wife: I think we need a break.
*Titanic crashes into iceberg*Husband: THAT WHAT YOU WANTED?
Wife: Yes.
Me: Send prudes.
Her: Wait, did you mean nudes?
Me: What? Ew. No.
WIFE: You’re not going to the costume party dressed like that!
ME: DONALD DUCK DOESN’T WEAR PANTS, BRENDA!!
[Dinosaur Rap Battle]
We’re gonna win this for sure!
“Wait, what kind of dinosaurs are we again?”
WE’RE RAPTORS! Jesus Christ Owen
Not one single dinosaur in Oppenheimer.
‘It’s the thought that counts’ doesn’t work on housework.
Good try though.
I’m from Texas, where “Let me call you right back” means enjoy the rest of your day.
A geneticist’s refrigerator has a CRISPR drawer
Sometimes i spread newspaper out on the floor and then lay down on it and pretend i’m fish n’ chips
A beautiful summer day, the knee hairs I missed the last 4 times shaving my legs blowing in the breeze from the car’s a/c vent.
I haven’t seen the numbers, but I imagine vampire attacks are way down.
Practice self-care like vampires: sleep all day, eat all night & outlive everyone who has ever loved you.
If you carry a clipboard, put a pen behind your ear, wear a stopwatch around your neck, and, depending on where you are, wear either a lab coat or a reflective safety vest you can pretty much walk right in anywhere you like.
[animal noises] it’s only those with a destination who can be lost
I’m sorry, I don’t have the energy to walk a mile in your shoes. I’m just going to go ahead & judge you.
They say there’s no such thing as a stupid question but then they’ll go and wake you up to ask if you’re asleep.
I inform my 4 year old that she’s going to a friend’s house 5 minutes before we leave so she only asks me when we’re going 6000 times.
Dasani water taste like it’s been sitting in a water gun
I’ve been avoiding the news like crazy. We could’ve landed on the Moon this morning for all I know.
Bart Simpson is bad for this country of America
So instead of doing laundry I just spent 2 solid hours ranking my laundry baskets from favorite to least favorite.
(scientists naming weird spiny thing in a bush)
Scientist 1: This thing sucks
Scientist 2: Yeah!
S1: It’s hogging all the hedges!
S2: Wait.
I don’t get invited to birthday parties anymore. I can’t stop yelling PICK A KEY every time they start singing that stupid song
Have you ever checked those ‘Twitter accounts that work well with yours’?
I just did.
Three convicted murderers, two people on the run from the FBI and a man who thinks he’s a tree 🤦♂️😂
Just hugged the cat and he burped. He’s taking being called “My baby” too seriously.