2010: Didn’t jog
2011: Didn’t jog
2012: Didn’t jog
2013: Didn’t jog
2014: Haven’t jogged~ This is a running joke
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im like a onion. peel back the layers and u’ll see that deep down inside im just a smaller more afraid onion
I am just a man.
Standing in front of a cat.
Begging them to stop biting electrical wires.
ME: i’ve been feeling sick lately
FRIEND: maybe you should see a doctor
ME: *google image searches “doctor”* haha you’re right, they look awesome
me: help, my house is burning down!
mrs doubtfire: *narrows eyes* prove it
They say you are what you eat but what happens if you didn’t mean to eat it. I don’t want to be a bug.
I wasn’t always a Reply Guy. I used to talk to the TV.
in the movies everyone can hotwire a car in ten seconds meanwhile it takes me twenty minutes to find the gas flap release on a rental
Me: Do you like children?
Him: Yes, I love them.
Me: Good, because I become a huge child when I drink.
Welcome to earth! You have a choice of private parts. Would you like the one that creates life & bleeds or the constant bad decision maker?
Wife: I’m going to the store. Need anything?
Me: Get some uhhh [can’t remember the name Aquafresh] Neapolitan toothpaste
I heard my 4yo bump her knee on the coffee table and went over to kiss her boo-boo, like she usually asks me to do, but she said she kissed it herself and was feeling all better.
And now I’m jealous of my 4yo’s coping skills.
This year for Mothers Day, I’d just like all the charging cables back that my kids have stollen from me
Wife: what are you doing
Me: teaching the dog poker
Wife: where are your pants
Me: *shuffling cards* lost em two hands ago
I’m not saying these people are peeing in the ocean, but I’ve been on the beach for 4.5 hours with a bunch of beer drinkers and not one has left my line of sight yet.
*Middle of dinner*
My kid: Can I have a snack?
I’ve been shelling pistachios for 3 hours now, I have 9.
anyone know what happened at the 2nd noel?
[dark alley]
Here’s the $3 million, thanks again for this, be sure to send pictures.Kidnapper: Wait, don’t you want your kids back?
[on deathbed]
“Tell my Wif… *cough*”
Yes? Tell her what?
“Tell my Wifi provider their broadband speeds were moderate at best”
[dies]
Sometimes when I’m having a particularly stressful day, I take a pregnancy test to remind myself that at least one thing in my life is still going as planned.
never staying in an air bnb again. this couple from colorado is taking me to small claims court because i accidentally opened a portal to hell in their basement
I’ll smash someone’s car window on a hot day if I see they’ve left a chocolate bar melting inside.
This could be us… but you playing
Optimism? Sure, it’s worth a try. I don’t see how acting like an eye doctor is gonna help, but whatever.
Don’t give her a Fitbit for Mother’s Day. I repeat, don’t give her a Fitbit for Mother’s Day.
If you get into a fight with a polar bear, boost your chances of success by requesting a postponement until 2065. There’s a good chance polar bears will be extinct by then so you’ll win by default for just turning up
Person: My name is Mora.”
Hawaiian wizard: “Aloha, Mora.”
*Door behind her unlocks*
not seeing the problem
[2016]
*gets rescue dog with the idea that I will excercise more*
[2017]
*dog now also fat*
1,000 Ways To Die is so unrealistic. There’s no episode where a man asks a woman ‘what’s wrong?’