2010: Didn’t jog
2011: Didn’t jog
2012: Didn’t jog
2013: Didn’t jog
2014: Haven’t jogged~ This is a running joke
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<enter password>
ikilledaman
<password must contain a number>
*7 hours later*
ikilled2men
Some cultures fear that when someone takes your photograph they steal your soul.
You should be fine, though.
So disappointed. Haven’t sold a single one of my “We Welcome Solicitors” signs on Etsy.
If you don’t want to be in love with me that’s fine. You’re entitled to your wrong and very stupid opinions.
Future historians will be asked which quarter of 2020 they specialize in.
I’ve been a YouTube creator for almost an hour, yet somehow I haven’t been monetized yet?
[murder scene]
detective: “she drown?”
cop: “after a blow to the head”
d: “what’s he doing?”
me: [trying to draw chalk outline on river]
Show me on this doll where the bad man gave you a skewed perspective of a female body
Capitalism is making me sad so I’m going to buy myself a little something.
Boss ordered me a new office chair and I’m uneasy about this eject button.
“People who shed hair should clean up their hair”
14yo horrified, cleaning bathrooms for the first time in his life.
Only in America: We have a holiday devoted to gratitude & then less than 12 hrs later beat the shit out of each other for a $10 crockpot.
The coconut is very versatile. It can be eaten or be used to make a radio.
You don’t know how to properly recycle cardboard? Let me break it down for you
Guy in Car: get out of my way idiot
Guy in Crosswalk: pedestrians have the right of way
Car Guy: this ain’t Pedestria buddy this is America
More like Kermit *A* Frog, there are other frogs
SON: I need you to check under the bed for monsters.
ME: Listen, I appreciate your confidence in me, but if there’s a monster under there it’s going to kill us both.
My followers loving my retweets but ignoring my own tweets like greedy children gobbling up junk food & ignoring their nutritious vegetables
me [after hitting a long shot]: FORE
her: are you serious this is mini golf
me [apologetically]: ᶠᵒʳᵉ
I wrote: You’ll always have a place in my heart.
AC sent: You’ll always have a place in my hearse.Now “staying friends” seems unlikely.
New modem
5yo: What is that?
Me: an alien detector
5: It has a glowing green light.
Me: means it found one.
5: It’s pointing right at you
Me *evil grin* I know
Your call is important to us…unless this is Bob again, calling to say ‘I CAN believe it’s not butter.’ We’re sick of your shit, Bob.
When I die, I’m donating my body to pseudoscience. I hope they’ll use it as Bigfoot bait.
“That’s a lot of food” I say as if I’m not going to eat it all.
*feels butterflies in his stomach while going on the first date*
– guess I shouldn’t have run through the garden with my mouth open.
Not to brag but drunk me just decided to start taking pictures for sober me in the morning…
Why do you guys take your keys out just leave them in the ignition so you’ll never misplace them
Music Party with the wee ones
Me: bet you girls didn’t know I could dance.
5yo: I’ll get you a Band-Aid
What’s the problem, you said dress however I feel comfortable for meeting your parents and it turns out this SpongeBob SquarePants costume is very comfortable.
*his phone rings*
Me: who is she?
Him: huh
Me: who is Potential Spam!?