[2011, pakistan, seal team 6 enters the compound]
“chief, something has brought the boys to the yard”
bin laden [making a milkshake]: SHIT
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“Here, throw this away for me.” ~ People who hand out leaflets.
Succinctly put.
How is it that my kids can never find their own shoes but…
Easily find the one ice cream sandwich I hid behind the peas in the freezer.
I pledged to pick up 10 pieces of trash on Tuesday. So, I’m going to Walmart to see if anyone needs a ride.
*adds humanitarian to resume
today a younger coworker was trying to think of the name of a singer from the olden days and yup anyway the person she was trying to remember was Mariah Carey
[giving a eulogy for my doctor]
ME: im very sorry that i ate all of those apples
Croatia-France sounds like a 19th century war to decide which cousin the crown prince is forced to marry.
I’m papering walls in the loo,
And quite frankly I haven’t a clue.
For the pattern’s all wrong,
Or the paper’s too long,
And I’m stuck to the toilet with glue.#ToiletPaperApocalypse #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes #Limerick
[Blind date]
Him: Why didn’t you tell me you were in a wheelchair?
Me [from my wheelchair]: Why didn’t you tell me you could walk?
I have a plan. I bring him home ,but don’t sleep with him.
Long story short he pays for the taxi.
Say what you will about the Grinch, but having garlic in your soul and living alone with a dog sounds pretty damn great to me.
me: hi, I have no power at my house
power company: ok, when did it happen
me: probably when we had kids, but it was a gradual shift
[the purge alarm blares in the distance]
ME: *adds a 13th item in the express line at the grocery store*
I always blame other people for my problems and it’s all your fault.
Went to dinner with a recovering alcoholic vegan who just quit smoking. Everything entering or leaving my mouth was offensive #WorstDateEver
If the sun is so hot how come it’s single
Co-worker: Do you have any invisible tape?
Me: You’ll have to feel around in the supply cabinet.
*tides knock down my sand castle*
Me: [looks up at moon] now it’s personal [loads pistol]
when you don’t want to be too vague
I found my first grey pubic hair today, but I remained calm; unlike everyone else in the Zoom meeting.
One time back before automatic signatures I wrote a rather stern email to a group at work about a poorly-run project. I hastily closed with “Regards, (my name)” or at least thought I did; that day I learned qwerty keyboards are my enemies thanks to the proximity of the G to the T
ME: (ordering for my date) What do you recommend for the lady?
HOT DOG VENDOR: Hot dogs.
Didn’t realize my kid was a midwestern farmer in a past life until we drove by a cornfield and he muttered “sure is gettin’ tall”
LMAO
Any refunds available?…
I’ll love you until the end of the egg timer.
Also, those little Swiss Army knives are great when you need a tiny pair of scissors to open your Gummi Bears like some kind of crack head.
Look out. The Guest Who Wants to Help in the Kitchen has arrived. She is me and she does nothing well.
Me: *pretends to get electrocuted as we shake hands*
Guy who was just about to offer me a job: Ok I’ll probably be in touch
We get it, cacti, you have great biceps.