@mllebeckyrose: 2014: lost 10 lbs, saved $135, ate $135 worth of candy, gained 10 lbs
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@joeldanger: Oh hey, sorry I accidentally rolled out of your bed, across your floor, down the stairs, out the door, into my car and back in my own bed.
@GrantTanaka: *races to airport *hurdles though security *sees her at boarding gate *shouts her name *romantic music swells I RAN OVER YOUR CAT
@Reverend_Scott: [jumps in Uber] ME: HURRY I'M LATE UBER: [starts driving] ME: PULL OVER HERE [jumps out, pets dog] ME: [jumps back in] GO GO GO
@MomOnFire: Whoever taught my five-year-old daughter how to "air quote," I need to speak with you privately.