2014: lost 10 lbs, saved $135, ate $135 worth of candy, gained 10 lbs
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Can scientists please stop calculating pi to a million decimal places and instead get working on an instant hangover cure.
Me: *writhing sexily* So, you hot and bothered yet?
Wife: I’m definitely bothered
[young Santa Claus’s dating profile] looking for a girl who loves snow, living in perpetual darkness and cooking for thousands of elf slaves
my favorite childhood memory is fast metabolism
Most adults have thirty-two teeth but you can have as many as you like if your pockets are big enough
Reporter: Can you stop poking my chest?
Me: But your badge says ‘press’
[Trying to impress a girl on a date]
Me: “Not to brag but I’m getting Windows 10 for free.”
Him: Sarah is dead.
Me: Oh Thank God! She wasn’t answering my emails and I thought she was mad at me…
10yo: (screaming) MOM, COME HERE RIGHT NOW!!
Me: Okay, Okay!
*steps on lego*
*stubs toe on fallen over chair*
*falls over laundry basket*
*slip-and-slides across spilt water*
*arrives at 10yo*
10yo: Never mind. I figured it out.
When you get a 3D printer, don’t mess around. Go straight to printing money.
Batman: Put the gun down NOW.
Joker: Say please. Didn’t mommy teach you any mann… Oh right, she couldn’t.
Batman: SON OF A…
Joker: Dead mom?
[On the couch watching TV]
Husband: *Doesn’t move for 90 minutes*
Me: *Gets up to pee*
Husband: Can you get me some chips and a drink and some lip balm and that charger and that remote and that blanket over there?
The most rebellious thing about me is that I refuse to cover my super white legs no matter how many people I blind with them
Trying to take the best instagram picture ever but the kittens keep drowning in the latte.
“so what did you do before self-driving cars?”
“we just drove ’em ourselves!”
“wow, no one died that way?”
“oh no, millions of people died”
Make it awkward today by asking people what they did for Valentine’s Day.
When they answer “dinner”, you should say “no…after that”.
Starting next year, Santa comes in the afternoon while the kids are watching Netflix in their rooms so we don’t have to stay up all night assembling shit.
RT to cosign.
My response to my boss when he tells me to work harder when I haven’t had a raise in eight years:
ME: *opens car door for date like a gentleman*
DATE: *running and out of breath* PLEASE STOP THE CAR
I just play poker so I can say I’m going all in without smirking.
Me: I’ve spent a whole quarter of this year isolated inside of my house.
Friend: I know. Lockdown has been really tough.
Me: What lockdown?
me: “it hurts when i pee”
doctor: “quit peeing on my desk and ill stop hitting you!”
BEAR JESUS: *Emerges from cave after 3 days*
EVERYONE ELSE: This… this is not as impressive.
A mongoose is just a goose who listens to reggae
Look kid, you can’t die from embarrassment. Believe me, I’ve tried.
I don’t understand. I cleaned my bathroom 7 months ago. Why is it dirty again.
GYM INSTRUCTOR: …and over here are the free weights.
ME: *shoving weights in my pockets* Fantastic.
I’m a go with the flow kind of gal unless the flow is after 9pm or involves people I don’t know or parallel parking.
She said “you’re dead to me” but I suspect she’s planning to make me dead to everyone else as well
“Nothing is certain, except death and taxis.”
Don’t you mean “ta– *gets run over by a cab*