@sarcasm_inc: "2015 AND PETSMART STILL DOESN'T HAVE FITTING ROOMS," I say somewhat loudly as Fluffy has to try on sweaters right there in the aisle.
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@mutedclamor: I thought this hot Egyptian chick was hitting on me but she was just trying to lure me into a pyramid scheme. :(
@Fred_Delicious: When my doctor diagnosed me with squid magnet syndrome I had a lot of questi... [a squid hits me in the face at 900mph killing me instantly]
@goldengateblond: PROPOSAL: Rebrand shootings as "late-term abortion." Watch the GOP scramble to stop them.