[2015 Bird Awards]
AND THE AWARD FOR GROSSEST NAME GOES TO…HORNED GUAN
(Lizard Buzzard quietly puts acceptance speech back in pocket)
You Might Also Like
gonna mess with my husband by texting “send nudes” when he’s in a work meeting
Neil Patrick Harris couldn’t host a tapeworm without a musical number. #Emmys
murderer: oh no i forgot my weapon 🙁
aragorn: you have my sword
legolas: and you have my bow
gimli: and my axe
murderer: omg *tearing up* you guys :’)
I’ve named my cat “Before” & my chihuahua “After.”
It works better if I introduce them wearing a lab coat and clipboard, giggling.
Throwing a spear at your enemy is a bad gamble. If you miss you have no spear now and he’s just fine. He’s better than fine; now he has a spear.
My husband and I have a lot in common. We’re both married to immature people and live in a filthy house.
It turns out the answer to my problems wasn’t at the bottom of this pint of ice cream, but the important thing is that I tried.
This guy next to me thinks I’m flirting, but really I’m just trying to see where he parks so I can steal his gas
Me: *buys a meal for one*
Everyone: Aw that poor lonely guy.Me: *buys a meal for two*
Everyone: Ew that fat lonely guy.
The accuracy #BlowsMyMind
Me: If you become a lawyer, I’ll disinherit you
16: From what?
Me: …well played
Virtual learning silver lining: When your kids don’t leave the house all day, you can go longer without bathing them.
safari guide: please keep your arms inside the vehicle
me: [a lion has my arm already] call a doctor
I’m chaperoning a graduation party tonight. I have lots of fun activities planned.
I hope they like monopoly.
I just pressed the Popcorn setting on my microwave and it showed me secret spy video of Kellyanne Conway eating lunch.
I’m no fan of Smokey the Bear. He’s just the first step on the slippery slope to vigilantism.
“where am i bro?”
THIS IS SPARTA
“thanks. cute puppy bro”
THIS IS MUFFINS
Me: I’ll just take a regular bikini wax. Or should I go Brazilian? What do you think?
Nurse: Ma’am, I’m just here to take out your catheter.
WIFE: you can’t just deep-fry everything
ME: what do you mean?
WIFE: I mean put down the cat
The human liver can withstand up to 97% damage and make a full recovery.
Yet not one doctor will accept this as an argument for alcoholism.
Started to watch Indiana Jones and the Dial of Destiny and I saw the warning that it contains tobacco depictions so I threw my TV in the street. Not in this household.
[entering wrong password] sorry it was dark and you looked like my actual password
PILOT: we’ll be experiencing some cabin pressure changes
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: *sits down next to me* so have you thought about going back to school
“THE UNIVERSE IS TEACHING ME PATIENCE” I scream zenfully
I’m just a girl standing in front of a boy asking him to stop eating all the snacks I bought for school lunches dammit.
Me: Evil always thinks it’s doing right
My boss: I am just asking you to put your air-pods away for the meeting!!!
I love all the Winter Olympic events, sliding downhill on a piece of wood, sliding downhill on 2 pieces of wood, sliding downhill IN a piece of wood. All amazing.
I ate a doughnut today with no sprinkles. Diet goals accomplished