2015: This is our son, Aiden.
2016: This is our son, Lemonaiden.
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Jews name their children after their deceased loved ones. This is my son, Healthy Sleep Pattern. He was born on January 21st, 2017.
“This is the coolest underwater sci-fi movie ever.”
-me, drunk, watching the pool vac
One of life’s great pleasures is to watch two idiots agree on something and then hear one of them say “Great minds think alike”.
Me: Hey, wanna do nothing for Valentine’s this year?
Him: Why break tradition?
Why is America trying to bomb the lady who lives in my iPhone she seems nice
[phone rings]
“Mr Hughes?”
“Yeah.”
“We need u to come pick yr son up from school.”
“Ugh. Whats he done now?”
“Nothing. Its nearly midnight.”
My doctor said if I wanna drop a few pounds I’d have to stay away from carbs
So I’ve been using this insanely long straw to drink beer
(opens door)
Me: Staff meeting soon
CW: GET OUT!
M: Nice carpet
CW: SHUT THE DOOR!
M: Can I borrow some toilet paper? The next stall is out.
If anyone needs some loose IKEA parts, let me know. Also, if you’re ever at my apartment, I’d avoid sitting on or touching any of my furniture.
“How about we go with a gerund, but, like, maybe just half a gerund.”
– How ING Bank got its name
Calm down penguins. You’re just a flashy suit and a few body parts away from being a platypus.
Based on all the white smoke billowing out, I think my lawn mower just picked a new pope.
my garbage family is staging an intervention or something for me because i forgot what its called when people have a chin made out of hair
My heart hurts when you’re not around
*buuurrrrpp*
Never mind
Tom and Jerry fooled me into thinking dogs bullied cats when it’s the opposite in reality
Me: “I came to Twitter to be creative and express myself.”
Twitter: lol, you said “came”.
DATE: oh u have an eyelash on ur cheek [picks it up] make a wish
ME (under my breath): i wish u wouldn’t touch my property
I posted a selfie and someone commented “Oh my! That was brave.”.
Engaged couples should register for two of everything so it’s easier to divide stuff when they divorce.
banned from gardening forum for saying “it was me” every time someone posted and said “help, something is eating my tomatoes”
date: what do you do
me: i run a non-profit
date: which charity?
me: oh…no i’m just a terrible hot dog salesman
I was fightin’ this daylight savings shit but this morning I planted twelve acres of soybeans and fed the cows. Didn’t even know I had cows but there they were.
HISTORIAN: So the important thing to remember is Ted Bundy was a horrific serial killer.
PRODUCER: Right. Also incredibly hot.
HISTORIAN: Really, just, try to focus on how he was a homicidal monster.
PRODUCER: Yeah, total smoke show, we’re on the same page.
Lifeguards should focus more on water safety and less on me laying eggs in the sand.
Next time someone leaves an empty shampoo bottle in the shower, I’m filling it with pancake syrup.
just saw a preview of the upcoming commercial for Lady Doritos, yikes
Him: you work from home all the time, how do you deal with the isolation?
Me: *mouth full of 8am icecream* I’m glad you’ve come to me about this matter
It doesn’t take long after becoming a parent to figure out why the people that wrote nursery rhymes sounded like they were drunk.
acme was just mailing bombs and rockets and shit to a dog
Thanks to the rising food prices I’m now on an 80/20 eating plan.
My food intake is 80% ramen and 20% stolen from my neighbor’s DoorDash order.