2015. Worse than the death of paper is the death of staplers. Rest in peace you sexy plastic alligators.
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-Babe, I can’t find the condom, what if we don’t use it?
-Sure, I’m ready to be a mother anyways.
-No, no. Look, I found it!
I’ll write ‘not unlike’ as if I’m being payed by the word.
It’s like my Grandma always says, “I died three years ago. This is starting to get weird.”
Of course the Midwest takes sports very seriously, what else are we going to obsess over…corn?
Hot singles over 40 in your area are curious what you use for joint pain and inflammation.
At the self checkout I make small talk with myself and I wish I would just shut up
Oh kids, don’t worry, stories of ghosts and dragons and zombies are all just made up; nobody should actually believe that stuff.
Now go get your shoes on, we’re going to be late for church.
What is bluesky and is it pronounced like a cloudless day or a Polish last name?
If the new Joker musical doesn’t have Lady Gaga singing “Joker Face” what’s the point??
this is me not knowing my powerpoint presentation was not showing up on the screen but my wallpaper instead
I have 39 calories left for the day. I think I might just open the ice cream and smell it.
If every time someone asks you to do something you quietly gasp and whisper, “Like the prophecy foretold.” People stop asking you to do things.
1. Rage against the machine.
2. Check to make sure machine is plugged in.
3. Apologize to the toaster for the misunderstanding.
A turn signal, but if you use it, your car catches on fire
~ the guy in front of me, apparently
“Anyway it was lovely to meet you!” – Translation: Off you go!
[Concert]
Triangle player: *proudly playing his triangle
[Octagon player struts on stage]
Triangle player: “What the-“
The trick to sneaking a mug full of vodka is to occasionally blow on it like it’s hot.
If sex doesn’t include peanut butter, a live mongoose, and my psychiatrist taking notes then I don’t want it.
Wife: Why did you have to cook all of it at once? Not only do we now have to eat 5 pounds of the stuff for breakfast but the whole house smells like bacon!
Me: I’m failing to see what part of this is upsetting
Me: *slides note to bank teller*
Bank Teller: So….you’re not robbing us, you just want to take a selfie with “mad cash” on your face?
Movie theater: Please silence your phones.
Me, who hasn’t taken my phone off silent since 2012: *double-checks*
…sees you when you’re sleeping, knows when you’re awake, knows if you’ve been bad or good…
Me: Omg, this song is about my phone.
They’re not all brilliant, but they’re all mine. Meaning my tweets, and maybe my kids, whatever.
Dickens: It was the best of times, it was the worst of times
Schrödinger: Nice, nice
My uterus really needs a new lining every month? Seems ungrateful. What’s wrong with the lining I got you last month. It was brand new
My jeans started to feel uncomfortably loose so I fixed it by eating a bag of chips, two chocolate bars and some brownies. A woman’s work is never done…
Asked the worker at the liquor store to help me pick out a bottle of bubbly and she handed me a “nice” $26 bottle, but then I said it was for when my in-laws came over and she took it out of my hands and replaced it with a $12 bottle.
Forget a alarm clock just give me the smell of bacon and coffee
Tampax needs to extend the string to 2ft so I can hang myself with it every month.