[2016, cincinnati zoo. boy falls into the enclosure]
other gorilla: something brought a boy to the yard
harambe [making a milkshake]: SHIT
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I wonder how many hobbies you have to suck at before you take up bird watching.
Ok now I can see why they say a dog is a MAN’S best friend. Just asked my dog what he thought of my new boots and it’s like he doesn’t even give a shit.
Not willing to admit he made a wrong turn, Dad threw Tic Tacs out the car window to little kids watching the parade from the curb.
Nobody:
Me: people died on the Titanic but the lobsters were set free.
You excited to watch the Super Bowl?
“Ya, but only cuz the commercials.”
[sounds of man being beaten to death with bowl of chips and dip]
I admit it. If I were a man, I’d be a creepy @ guy for sure.
A kebab made by a librarian is a
Shhhhhish kebab
#RubbishJokes #KebabDay
#FridayVibe
[couples therapy]
me: she’s always correcting me. I hate it with every fiber of my bean
therapist: did you just say bean
Coworker: Good morning
Me (suddenly realizing this is my first interaction of the day): How are go?
how much does a mortician urn in a year
Don’t ask about my weird flex, this is the position I’m stuck in.
What idiot called it “Fox News” and not “white whine”?
[god creatig god]
GOD: make him omnipotent & onmipresent
ANGEL: ok…
GOD: and also provide no evidence he exists
ANGEL: ru sure
GOD: trust me
ME: *burps a little under my breath*
MY 5YO: [from 3 rooms away] say ‘excuse me’
According to Facebook, 78% of girls I went to high school with now own their own photography business.
[Wendy’s]
Me: *confidently walking up to the counter after they got my order wrong* i’d like to speak to wendy
How old are you?
Me: *panics*
Me: *trying to math it out*
Me: *forgets birth year*
Me: * forgets current year*
Me: *runs away*
For the love of God, what is Jesus saving? Is it coupons? I bet it’s coupons
DATING TIP: show her your hula hoop skills. keep adding hula hoops. you’re now a slinky. everybody loves a slinky.
My college career succinctly summed up in a meme.
I’m going to complain about the cold until a Canadian gets mad enough to say something rude, like ‘I’m sorry but it’s colder in Canada.”
me: [gets on one knee]
GF: [gasps]
me: [reaches into pocket]
GF: OMG
me: [pulls phone out] don’t move there’s a Pokemon on your foot
*me flirting
People who copy and paste jokes from facebook are idiots…
A few seconds ago • Comment • Like
HER: We need to talk.
ME: No one actually NEEDS to talk.
HER: …
ME: I assume we need to talk longer now.
Fifth Third Bank? I don’t think you understand how to number things, which is something I generally look for in a bank.
“Aaaaaaaaand done!”
-me, breaking the last of my new year’s resolutions
Who called it “the equals sign” and not “the aftermath”?
On a packed bus googling “how to tell the person sitting next to you that you love them”
“LUKE CHECK OUT HOW HARD I CAN CRY”