2016: Everyone you love in entertainment will die!
2017: Everyone you love in entertainment is a sexual degenerate.
2018: The dog from Air Bud is the Zodiac Killer.
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There’s no problem you can’t solve with a great night of dancing.
Except for a broken foot.
Then you should see a doctor.
Can’t wait to win the kids Easter egg hunt for the 32nd year in a row!
Keep your friends zoned and your enemies zoneder
I think my husband is beginning to suspect
I can clear that with ease, Elsie! Frankly, your lack of confidence is insulting.
20 seconds later:
HOT LOCAL SINGLES WANT TO MEET YOU SO THEIR FELONIOUS BOYFRIENDS CAN STEAL YOUR I-PHONE
[before pepper spray was invented]
Cop: *holds pepper grinder in suspect’s face* Say when.
I see velociraptor is trending in the United Kingdom.
I knew I should have paid for a stronger lock on that paddock.
I love how people say ‘walk before you run’ like I’m going to be running at some point.
[GOP Debate]
MODERATOR: this question is for Senator Cruz. How will you handle zodiackillersayswhat?
CRUZ: what?
MODERATOR: I knew it!
People buying plungers never look like they’re in a good mood.
[boss finds pics of me snowboarding]
“You missed work bc you said you were sick…& judging from these pics, YOU WERENT LYING”
*fist bump*
I spent a good portion of today sitting in a Snuggie watching Cops. Eventually, they told me to go home and put on pants.
*Digging my own grave* sounds like a lot of exercise just to lie down.
Nigella has gone too far this time.
911 what’s the emergency?
“How do u unburn pizza?”
U burnt a pizza
“Yes”
I’ll send a squad car
“Ok will they help?”
No ur under arrest
how do they get the mashed potatoes into the french fry shell
*phone rings*
Wife: “Quick! Pretend I’m not in!”
Me (a dad): “Hello. Yes my wife is here. Hey, Not In. It’s for you.”
Wife: “….”
*puts on winter boots*
*trudges through newly fallen legos*
[1890s guy] I gotta stop looking at my candle before bed
I bet the first guy to pee on someone’s jellyfish sting was NOT trying to help them.
A very busty woman whispers to me “I want you to tell me if these look real” my eyes widen, then she takes out pictures of the moon landing
During a meditation session
Sorry, my watch told me to stand up.
*sees guy dressed as ghost for Halloween*
Hey buddy thats not funny, my grandma is a ghost
My family tree is a cactus, we’re all pricks.
my ex was like “i know a spot” then took me to the lowest point in my life
“Pick up some electrician from the market. I’m having problems with AC again.”—married sext
Never eat anything Mario cooks for you. Dude runs around in sewer pipes all day and never washes his hands
Men are like my peloton – I always think going for a ride is a good idea and then 5 mins in I’m sweating profusely and questioning everything
Did you know there’s a wrong kind of mac-n-cheese? I was unaware that my kids have, over the years, decided there exists but one brand of mac-n-cheese and apparently if I make a different kind the dogs eat it instead.
P.S. the dogs do not exhibit this type of brand loyalty