2016: Everyone you love in entertainment will die!
2017: Everyone you love in entertainment is a sexual degenerate.
2018: The dog from Air Bud is the Zodiac Killer.
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please stop saying things like “ur so hot” and “your jokes have both emotional depth and the refreshing originality of a self aware intellectual” and start saying things like “here is ten thousand dollars”
I never wanted to be a member of the Addams Family for Halloween because my fingers would be raw from snapping them the whole night.
I can tell exactly how much someone weighs by how much noise they make when I push them down the stairs.
People my age or older than me or younger than me are the worst.
I’m tired and want to sleep, but I can’t stop imagining how the whole scenario of the first person to pee on a jellyfish sting went down
when your local library starts subtly sowing the seeds of anarchy
Him: you have 3 Starbucks coffees in your car?
Me: one’s for you
Him: and the other one?
Me: *remembering that I wanted to try a new flavor but also got my usual in case I don’t like it* I’m having an affair.
[Luxury hotel planning meeting]
Fluffy pillows?
Absolutely.Soft towels?
Definitely.Quality toilet paper?
Sandpaper is fine.
God I hate these crossword puzzles
Does anyone know a 3 letter word for “Father”?
Facial recognition software, but it just explains Where You Know That Person From
Jeb Bush: “The Pope should not discuss climate change because he’s not a scientist, although if elected, I will be your wife’s gynecologist”
Wow, after that bathroom experience, this made me wish my sinus plugged up from allergies.
If you see me in court you’d think I was furiously taking notes, but 9 times out of 10, I’m usually drawing a t-rex eating a witness.
“I’ll be back” –Arnold Schwarzenegger as getting into a 2-person horse costume
Pictionary is the perfect game to play whenever you need an excuse to punch your friend in the face.
add excitement to your marriage by putting soap in one of the cast-iron pans
Interviewer: what are your future plans?
Me: lunch
Interviewer: I meant long term plans
Me: what, like dinner?
*licks lips*
*makes eye contact*
‘You gonna eat that wing?’
I love when actors brag about being able to cry on command like that’s some kind of major accomplishment sweetie it’s called being alive in the year 2023 of our lord.
TV led me to believe there would always be a potted plant to hide behind when needed.
Alas, this is not so.
You can literally say “the night is young” at any time of day or night. Nobody is policing this.
found this sweet little abandoned chocolate lab at the park today
Me: You should know I’m alliterate
Her: You mean illiterate?
Me: No, not necessessfully
“Act your age!” I yell at my 11 year-old daughter as I put on my Captain America t-shirt.
You’re more likely to die falling down a flight of stairs than from being attacked by a shark especially if I’m standing behind you.
Take it easy, Officer. You act like you’ve never seen a woman with a car full of penguins before.
‘Hit me with your pet shark’ #RuinAn80sSong
I’m one of the 128 people on earth who doesn’t have a facebook so when the robots take over don’t even try to come to my off-grid-bunker for freeze-dried food
Shoutout to my dog for ensuring we can enjoy the crunchy, colourful autumn leaves inside the house too
The first rule of Oedipus Club: mum’s the word.