2016 has been pretty bad but at least girls stopped drawing mustaches on their index fingers and holding them under their noses.
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Coffee so hot I give it my real phone number.
I use these ( … ) a lot.
For which, I believe, the technical term is Dotty Dot Dots.
Barber: “so you’re thinking like an inch off the top?”
Me: “I have absolutely no idea how to answer that question.”
signs you’re dating an angel:
– skin made of smooth marble
– thousands of eyes that emit lasers
– wings violently displace tons of air
– 13,000 trumpets constantly
– peaceful sense of impending doom
– giant chalice overflowing with acid
– texts you good morning
Kid, if you don’t know whether your Batman costume is pre or post reboot continuity, you don’t deserve candy. Also, Batman doesn’t cry.
Chips are not only delicious, but if you crunch them loud enough you can’t hear your children anymore.
*carpools to work*
Damnit Karen can you just match the windshield wiper setting to the frequency of raindrops
My neighbor won’t understand why I hide in my car until she has kids.
Grandpa Joe’s all, I’m gonna just stay in bed for twenty years. Wait, a CHOCOLATE FACTORY? jkjk I can walk!
He’s my kinda people.
[moving her panties to the side]
HEY MAA, I’M MAKING ROOM FOR MY LEGOS IN YOUR UNDERWEAR DRAWER.
[at the mechanic]
me: my car makes a funny noise. listen..
mechanic: that’s the horn
Look at phone to see what the time is.
Check Twitter
Check Facebook
Check emails
Take a photo of my dogs
Watch a cat video
Check Instagram
Check Twitter
Look at some photos of my dogs
Send a text
Watch another cat video
Check TwitterStill no clue what the time is.
Did you know that simply replacing your cup of coffee in the morning with a refreshing glass of water can leave you both hydrated and in a terrible mood for the rest of the day?
A trailer of The Exorcist comes on.
Non parents:
Aargh I can’t look.Parents with kids who don’t sleep:
Ah a film about bedtime
If I’m “supposed to” shave my knees then why are they shaped like that ? Exactly
me: *eating burrito* so how do I die?
psychic: ok I’ll tell you
me: *eating third burrito* don’t you need to use your crystal ball?
psychic: no I’m pretty confident
At the intermission of musicals there should be a very short football game
6yo Son: Dad, why’d you spray cologne down there when you got outta the shower?
Me: How’s ice cream for dinner sound?
Fun fact: Malcolm X was not his birth name. He was originally Malcolm Twitter.
i like to buy frozen diced onions…gives me extra time to cry about other things while i cook
Friend: Hey man I haven’t seen you since you had a baby. How’s parenthood?
Me: Up at dawn. Milk. Survive. Distract. Feed. Milk. Distract. Physical activity. Feed. Milk. Asleep at sundown.
Friend: Hahaha sounds like farming.
Me: That’s right. Parents are kid farmers.
[getting selected to be on a game show] do you have a satin shirt in a primary color
Me: You should be nicer to me. You’ll never have another dad.
5-year-old: Don’t be so sure. Mom is pretty.
breaking: schrute farms has banned kanye, no beets for him.
When I tickle my imaginary friend, people think Im casting spells
I have mixed feelings about birthdays, the aging sucks but I do quite enjoy using the day to manipulate people into giving me things.
The part in Forrest Gump where the rich guy decides to quit running and leave his followers out in the desert reminds me a lot of politics
I’m exactly like Rocky in that, I challenge people to fight while I’m slurring my words.
“Please stop chasing your sisters with tarter sauce,” is something the parenting books didn’t warn me about.
lobster: [snapping claws menacingly] FEEL MY WRATH, HUMAN
me: [holding 2 rubber bands]
lobster: ah shit