2016: No way will Trump win the election
2017: No way will President Trump fire all those nukes
2018: No way we’re doing what those Apes say
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McDonald’s burgers always look so great in their commercials but when you actually order one it always looks like its been sat on.
4 years single just means I have a bachelor’s degree in being alone
People who design casino/hotel carpets clearly have the best drugs on earth.
I just want to tell everyone how I feel about you!
Ma’am I just need you to sign for these packages.
“Chest, chest, chest and chest, chest and chest” – T-Rex singing “Head, shoulders, knees and toes”.
How old are you?
Me: *panics*
Me: *trying to math it out*
Me: *forgets birth year*
Me: * forgets current year*
Me: *runs away*
My neighbours dog has more friends than I do and he bites.
Raid™: For when you don’t want to kill ants, but want to make them late for something.
The first rule of Oedipus Club: mum’s the word.
This is what it sounds like when cats cry
– The inventor of bagpipes
*Comments on Facebook picture*
“That headband your baby is wearing really accentuates her baldness.”
therapist: now, once again, stress balls are for …….
me: (sighs heavily)
stress balls are for squeezing, not throwing at people when I’m stressed
“I think this cereal has gone bad.” *me drunk, eating Meow Mix*
Guy: [strolling along] Well, at least I have my heal- *piano falls on his head*
Me: [leaning out my apartment window] Oh no! My piano!
Day 27 without sports:
Hesitated for an inappropriately long moment before intervening in my kid’s living room brawl.
*Runs fingers over Braille calendar*
Is this a date? It feels like a date.
Speaking in rhyme seems perfectly natural for a serial killer, but is quite unnerving when my proctologist does it.
HR says that we are no longer able to say to anyone “if ignorance is bliss you must be such a happy person” even if we smile as we say it.
Elsa: 🎶 the cold never bothered me anyway
People of Arendelle: sorry to interrupt b-but some of us have literal hypothermia and-
Elsa: [shrug] well I’m not bothered
“I’m hungry” Fridge: “I got nothin.” Cabinet: “Bitch, don’t look at me.” Freezer: “LOL. You like ice?”
Wife [asking serious questions during NFL™ kickoff] …
Me [screaming at tv] yes! Yes! YES!!
Wife: okay! Yay!! [adopts 13 cats]
[High school reunion]
Me: I’m in the army now.Friend: I thought you were either going to be a referee or an attorney.
Me: Yeah I couldn’t decide between boxers and briefs so I went commando
I have passed 4 levels of the interview process for a new job, and the final step is a personality assessment, so that’s unfortunate.
Out in public, my husband and I only argue using whale sounds, so it’s actually a very calm and soothing experience for people around us.
Please ignore this tweet, I’m pretending to be adding a coworker’s phone number.
I know I’m gorgeous, young and sexy. My secret to eternal youth is a steamy bathroom, so my glasses mist up.
R.I.P. 2013 (2013-2013)
‘Leave no stone unturned’ is good advice if you’re looking for something that crawls out from under rocks.
“Your mother and I are separating but it’s not your fault, we love the three of you very much.”
“There are four of us.”
“You heard me.”
So you’re meant to master things after 10000 hrs of practice and I’ve spent at least that amount of time eating
But I still bite the inside of my mouth