“I said, ‘No’”
– me, about to give my dog my sandwich
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[Listening to Natalie Imbruglia’s ‘Torn’ while warm, unashamed, standing fully clothed on the ceiling] I can’t relate to this
Sympathy for my 5 year old who has just announced he is allergic to all vegetables except chicken nuggets
Are you from iraq? …..cause i wanna see you baghdad ass up
Hot guy just walked up to me and said I was pretty so naturally I pulled out a Sharpie and drew a star on his forehead.
[hosting a kids show]
ME: ok everybody, what time is it?? say it loud!!
KIDS: OWL! TOUCHING! TIME!
[camera zooms in on a startled barn owl]
How many times does it have to be aliens before Scully believes? How many times does it have to be a guy in a mask before Shaggy doesn’t?
Starting my own social media site called Chaos Realm which is just a Google doc that anyone can edit
How long can one listen to a kid talk before it’s officially considered a hostage situation?
Nothing but love for the older woman who saw her husband staring at two people screaming at each other in the grocery store parking lot, said “mind your business, Morty,” before looking at me, thirty feet away, and saying, “you too.”
COP: Can you describe the man who shot you?
ME: He seemed mad
Just once I wanna slide down a dinosaur at the end of my workday, is that so much to ask for?
ME: I’m not voting for anyone
CLINTON: that’s a vote for Trump!
TRUMP: that’s a vote for Clinton!
ME: looks like I’m voting twice then
Candy corn is the rare candy that’s worse than than the vegetable it’s based on.
[at gym]
Him: How much do you bench?
Me: Way less than I couch.
excuse me, are you gonna finish those fries
me, interrupting a couple fighting
My mom licked her thumb and wiped a smudge on my face in public today, and now I have an urge to eat all my vegetables and go to bed at 8.
me: i need to leave early
boss: why
me: i don’t like it here
Me: *Holding a fist full of lit sparklers* How much for the aggressive incense?
My neighbors look so happy.
We can fix that.
[whispering to paramedic before I pass out] save me but not enough that I have to go to work tomorrow
It’s wildly known that all the great artists of the renaissance era loved eating pizza in sewers.
o: I want a tail
GENIE: ok
α: longer
GENIE: sure
q: LONGER
GENIE: dude
@: perfect
Corona Virus explained in craft terms: you and 9 friends are crafting. 1 is using glitter. How many projects have glitter?
Them: Follow your dreams!
Me: *goes back to school without pants*
If I had a nickel for every time a child called my name as I immediately sat down I’d be able to pay a butler to go see what they want.
zoologist 1: whale
zoologist 2: we used that name already
zoologist 1: shark
zoologist 2: we used that name too
zoologist 1: whale-shark
zoologist 2: hot dog you’ve done it again sir
When a crab dies does it become a ghost in the shell
it’s always “wyd” and never “i spent $1,000 on harry styles pit tickets for you”
Steve Buscemi is the only reported case of the saying “If you keep making that face, it’s going to get stuck that way” being true.