2016: Trump elected
2018: Border wall completed
2020: Mexico takes Gold, Silver & Bronze in Pole Vault at the Summer Olympics
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If you call & I don’t answer, I’m not dead, I’m napping.
– Things I have to say to my mom
My kid keeps talking about his preschool “road trip” and I’m not sure a visit to an apple orchard has ever been described in that way
Me: Can my gift this year be a new secretary.
Boss: I cannot legally assign you anyone until your last secretary’s case goes to trial…
‘It’s nice & thick…you’ll have to suck pretty hard.’
– Why I lost my job at the ice cream parlor.
I’m at that age where I panic a little if I randomly smell toast.
Dads lose their shit when it starts raining and the sprinklers are running
If my ex had an autobiography it would be called “Mein Cramps”
What, did you NOT SEE that one coming?
Valentine’s Day is a stupid and made up holiday unless someone wants to give me a present in which case I really believe in celebrating it
My boyfriend is watching Glee voluntarily and tapping his foot and smiling. That makes me a lesbian now, right?
I wonder if somewhere there’s a seal colony that likes listening to a singer named Human.
sneezy geese carry a honkerchief
That awkward moment when you realize your wife’s funeral is turning into a sausage-fest.
“Did you remember to take the dog out?”
Ah crap, I forgot
[Dog storms in] I sat at the restaurant for HOURS
[Trump speaking at rally]
I love this country. I love America. I love singing the *looks at smudged writing on hand* Strawbangled Panther
Wise advice
Pie is superior to cake. Nobody makes a cake chart.
Accidentally bought a left-handed bottle of shampoo and now I have to shower facing the other direction.
Mispronouncing words is kind of my forty
-watches two minutes of the news
-locks kids in their rooms forever
I hate it when I think that there’s an open parking space and then I have to run over a motorcycle …
Me: I’m going to get some of those Ample Bottom jeans that were all the trend back in 2010
My daughter: mom. It’s Apple Bottom jeans.
Me (glancing backwards): nah. I was right the first time.
I bet kids who live in volcanoes pretend the floor is carpet
You’ve ripped the husband stick figure off your minivan, but also the cat stick figure. This is a story I want to hear.
A girl with kaleidoscope eyes sounds horrifying.
Story of my life…..
kidnapper: we have your son
my dad: ask him if he drank my last pepsi
What I like about humanity is that certain mustaches are more evil than others, and everyone basically agrees on which ones are which.
80% of being Donald Trump is just worrying that the wind will blow your weird combover in the wrong direction.
How the stock market works:
Seller: selling $20 for $25!
Buyer: [terrified] take my money!