2016: Trump elected
2018: Border wall completed
2020: Mexico takes Gold, Silver & Bronze in Pole Vault at the Summer Olympics
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Ever sat cross-legged on the floor, only to realize too late that you’re too old to do that & you can’t get up but you’re too embarrassed to ask for help and please send someone I’ve been here for 2 days.
[At my funeral]
Polite people: Well, he’s in heaven now.
Twitter followers: Let’s not make any assumptions.
Mom, remember we used to eat donuts?
-my 3 yo, 1 hour after eating a donut
Commander: ARCHERS READY
Archer: (to guy next to him) dude tbh I was zoned out wtf we supposed to be shooting at
Pizza Hut is going gluten free so while you are dying from a heart attack you can atleast not have gas problems
> what do you want to be when you grow up?
[7 year old me watching Jurassic Park] a UNIX hacker!
*fast forward 28 years*
> So you’re still fixing printers then?
Brings a particularly tough steak to a knife fight.
The worst thing about that mime stealing my woman was when he silently laughed at me
My apologies in advance as I present to you: Matilda Swinton
I love that technology has advanced so much that Alexa can understand me with my mouth full of crisps
I have many caverns
me: [reading newspaper]
him: *stares*
me: do you need to go out?
him: *stares*
me: are you hungry?
him: *stares*
me: you want the crossword?
him: *wags tail*
Banking tips
Lawyer: Is there any chance they’ll find the victim’s DNA on your clothes?
Me: No way, I used a lint roller.
Lawyer: Wait what?
Me: Yeah just *pantomiming a lint roller*
A homeless guy asked me “would you give me $5 for a sandwich?”
I said “I don’t know man, show me the sandwich first.”
All I’m saying is that there is enough time left of 2020 for some guy to open up a theme park with real dinosaurs that will eventually break free and eat us all.
Wife: What did I ask you to do?
Me: Love you forever?
W:
M: Kill a man to defend you honor?
W: EMPTY THE DISHWASER
I was getting there.
You known you’ve been on twitter too long when autocorrect will not type ducks.
Engineers: “okay, so we agree the space between the seat and the console will allow people to see what they dropped but never retrieve it”
Fine officer, then tell me what animals it is okay to get in a karate fight with. I’m waiting.
My favourite part of the Bible is the hollowed-out section I keep my drugs in.
buyer: does this van have child locks
me: *sweating* no no i vacuumed it
Sitting on the patio having coffee a bee lands on my arm I am still no flailing of arms I become one with the bee
Narrator: bee stings the shit out of him
put ur hair in a man-bun. now put ur beard in a man-bun too. congratulations ur now a hamburger. be free, hamburger man.
7y.o: “Mom, what do you want for Mother’s Day?”
Me: “Sleep.”
7: “Haha, no seriously, Mom; something REAL.”
Exactly.
Bedtime:
Brush teeth
Put on pjs
Read
Turn off light
Put them back in bed
Put them back in bed
Threaten everything they love
Put them back
You: I’m combining breakfast and lunch. Brunch.
Me: I’m combining wine and dinner. Winner
I take advice from crows because their core strategy of screaming at things and flying away really tracks.
Never go to a place that has burgers, sushi, chicken wings and donuts on one menu. Never.