[2016]
*gets rescue dog with the idea that I will excercise more*
[2017]
*dog now also fat*
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Me, when son comes for the weekend from college: I can’t wait to make a good dinner for him.
Me, when finding out his classes will be all online next quarter: Shit, now I have to cook more!
ESPN just did a Top 5 Greatest Comebacks of All Time and there was some guy running with a ball but like literally no mention of Jesus
I have this awesome app that shows me what I would look like as a fat person. It’s called Camera.
IT guy: what seems to be the problem
me: hi uhh my computer won’t turn off and back on again
IT guy: [covers phone] what do I do
Two-word love stories:
Cancelled plans
Apple crumble
Half day
Chocolate orange
Empty carriage
Staying in
Free bar
Golden retriever
Jacket potato
Beer garden
New socks
Early night
Cheese board
Bank holiday
Pancake day
Lie in
Home time
Ice lolly
Large chips
Water slide
Hot tea
Before carbs: Hates everyone
After carbs: Hates everyone but is fat
My boss gave me an assignment and told me to “give it the old college try”, so now I’m skipping class and doing a keg stand.
Q: “How long were you at your last job?”
A: “Seven-and-a-half inches… same as now”
I passed a homeless guy who asked “Any change!?” I said “Nope, your still dirty and homeless”. We laughed and laughed and then he stabbed me
They say you should do something every day that scares you so I napped without the little pillow between my knees and now my lower back is terrified.
any time someone sends me an email with “best regards” i reply with “bester regards” so they know i take my job seriously
titanic
Me: I don’t feel well
Mom: Did you eat the plastic fruit again, Gigi?
Me: No
Mom: …
Me: …
Mom: …
Me: *throws up plastic banana*
Whenever you’re having a bad day, think of the guy who has to put the circus tent back in its bag.
I had to use first and middle names on my daughters today for overly rough play in the pool.
Ages 22 and 25. With 401ks. This never stops.
If you think there’s nothing better than sex, you’ve never had a cop turn on his lights behind you and then pull over someone else.
Me: can you come in here a second?
Boyfriend: is this gonna be a “fun” talk?
Me: not for you
Sometimes I think about the time I ditched school and hitchhiked and got picked up by a substitute teacher.
Got in a bar fight for calling celery ‘nature’s dental floss’
friend: they say pennywise takes form of your greatest fear
[later]
tv: the big bang theory marathon starts now!
me: holy shit it’s him
I had a professor who threw a big hissy fit about how he needs “detailed proof” of why you’re going to be absent only for him to get mad when I sent him pictures of some pads and Midol I bought and the receipt? Play stupid games win stupid prizes dude
Merlot; what Princess Ariel drinks when she’s depressed.
#lunchpun
I don’t know why I always end up behind the old lady who is trying to do a reverse mortgage on her home at the ATM.
#dnd #ttrpg
German couples probably have less arguments because there’s an exact word for, “I’m fine, just annoyed you forgot the milk again”
Me, to my cat: You are amazing, I adore you, I understand your time on earth is short and one day I will regret not spending as much of it as possible with you, but…. can you please leave me alone for, like, 5 minutes???
Overheard 2 dad’s at the playground wondering if my kid was as creepy as me.
Joke’s on them. I don’t have kids.
If you give a man a PS4, he will play for a day.
If that man buys the PS4 he will not shower for 2 months.
To be honest you were our third choice for this poisoner job but the other two got poiso… oh that was you, nice
Did you know stuffing your bra with toilet paper works pretty well…
except when it rains.