2017 Resolution: spend more quality time with my son
*son begins describing his 500 new Pokémon cards*
Well, there’s always next year
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If by “interests” you mean vices, then sure, I have several outside interests.
Nothing confuses me more than a straight up street thug with braces.
See you when you get home from school, I whisper to my kid’s apple
meanwhile over on facebook
Detective: Where were you on the night of…
Me: Kung Fu fighting. We all were. I saw you there.
Forgive me, for I have sinned.
Same time tomorrow?
I don’t know about you but I always take the road less traveled because chances are I won’t run into stupid people.
Signs you’re a full fledged adult:
• You choose restaurants based on the availability of parking
• You pay attention to the weather now
• You have at least one mole you’re keeping an eye on
• You have a favorite stove burner
• You don’t give af what’s “cool” anymore
Frantically searches office for glasses that have been on top of my head all along
[Dr.]
“Your blood is 40% cheese, if you eat ANY more you’ll die”
*slowly raises piece of cheese to mouth*
“Don’t do it”
*eats cheese*
*dies*
Dinner Party
Hostess: How much of this would you like?
Me eyeing the platter suspiciously: just one clump please.
WIFE: I can’t take your immaturity. Sign these divorce papers
ME:
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE: Fine! You win. “Simon says” sign these divorce papers
Her: So when you said you were going to make me happy using just your mouth…
Me: *putting down microphone* BEATBOXING IS A GIFT SARAH
I don’t date men unless they have tentacles. It’s called having standards.
Fact of the Day: Lyrics can be used in a court of law as evidence.
That’s how Billy Joel was acquitted of arson charges.
[Bunch of 6 year olds knock on my door]
“TRICK OR TREAT!”
You kids are in for a real treat…
*slips each of them a copy of my demo tape*
I wrote ‘I loathe ‘ and ac finished it with ‘people’. I’m gonna marry my phone.
*undercover cop knocks* Hi fill out this survey to win a free IPad!
1. name
2. address
3. email
4. where are drugs
*mustache falls off*
A guy just said he wants to know what I got “in the trunk”
I told him duct tape, a shovel and rapid decomposition powder
Flirting is hard
Did you know there’s a type of spider that eats snails and uses the shell as armor to attack birds? That’s not true. I’m sorry.
Weirdos gonna weird.
Leaving restaurant: “That was lovely”
Outside: “Well, it was okay”
In car: “I mean, it wasn’t great”
Back home: “We won’t go there again”
Sometimes an person unexpectedly comes into your life, makes your heart race and has such an impact on your life.
Just didn’t want it to be a cop.
Me: lets go on a date
Her: umm
Me: what could go wrong
*25 minutes later we are being chased by a pack of raccoons*
“LOOK, MA!!!!! NO DIGNITY!!!!”
My daughter has created a new game show where she puts her shoes all over the house and then asks us where they are
If I’m wearing the mask here’s how to tell If I’m smiling: I’m not.
if i could be permanently ratatouilled i would. just relinquish all control. let the rat do it. im done
I like how I carefully open a box of cookies so I don’t damage the resealable tabs like I’m not eating them all right now
Then god said, “Let there be light,” and there was light and he regretted making Adam in the dark because he gave him Owen Wilson’s nose.