I make one mistake and my pharmacist now adds “by mouth” on the prescription label.
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[Inside Trojan Horse]
OTHER GREEKS: *fearful/anxious silence*
ME: This is my first sleepover
This entire pizza told me thigh gaps are for queers.
Wife: I finally caught you. I could hear it from the other room. You were watching a dirty movie. Me: No. Its just womens tennis.
Customer Service Person: is there anything else I can help you with today?
Me: Is this a date? It feels like a date now.
You should walk a mile in my shoes but make a U-turn at the half mile mark because I’m gonna need those shoes back.
Me: will the kids ever be on time to school?
Magic 8 Ball: *laughs hysterically*
[inventor of the piano]
Tables aren’t noisy enough.
Does it sound ridiculous? Yes. Did I get a sports injury from eating too many tacos? Also yes.
Me: (throwing up in toilet)
6: (pulls my hair out of my face)
Me: *aw she cares about me*
6: Can you see now to put in the password for the iPad?
Cop: Know why I pulled u over?
Me: Know why I pulled u over
C: Stop that
M: Stop that
C: Wanna go to jail?
M: Wanna go to jail?
C: No.. errr
Not to brag, but I always go to the hottest cashier at the store and she always checks me out.
snack time! which shapeless, wiggly treat would you rather?
Deeply concerning if literal: Last Christmas I gave you my heart.
I created a new solvent that will dissolve ANYTHING in the world!
(Sigh)
I just don’t know what to keep it in….
A 6-year-old told me he likes my costume. I’m not wearing a costume 🙁
To see someone’s true savage nature, you must observe them eat crab legs at a buffet.
if ur getting chased by a bunch of drunk 90’s kids just yell out “in west Philadelphia born & raised” then u got like 2 min to run
Was just in an elevator with my ex, so I stopped at every floor to show him he was wrong on so many levels.
That curb wasn’t there until I hit it.
ACCOUNTANT: you have a lot of outstanding debt
ME: thanks i worked really hard on it
ME: I’m so nervous. It’s my first day on the job. I definitely fibbed on my qualifications to get this job. Hope I can figure it out before I mess up.
CO-PILOT: …What?
Men over 35 are terrible at sharing their momma’s secret recipe for her most requested dish.
And now we wait.
My personal trainer ran out of treats half way through the sess.
Side effects may include: upset stomach, diarrhea, some wolves will chase you, like 6-12 wolves, it’s ok
If you’re wondering if humans are idiots we hunt ducks with guns when they will walk right up to you if you have bread
Mom asked about a stock she’s owned for 20yrs called Amazon & I’ve mostly been telling her I love her & reminding her my brother never calls
*bride and groom kiss*
minister: wow im like right here
My aesthetician asked me to stop calling it a “crisis at the border” when I make a bikini wax appointment
I refuse to pay all that money for CrossFit. If I want a man to scream at me in a garage, I can visit my dad
*sings Hungry Eyes to the rotisserie chicken rack at Costco*