2017 – Wizard of Oz
[opening credits]
Dorothy: *opens weather app*
[end credits]
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I don’t know why people get mad when someone uses their driveway to turn around. You get to feel the rage of someone dropping by unexpectedly followed by the orgasmic relief of them leaving.
Every fifteen minutes, a teenager crashes his car due to texting and driving. I hope he gives up, because he’s obviously not good at it.
Your birth certificate is your very first participation trophy.
I would’ve been here sooner, but I was holding the door for a Canadian that insisted I go first.
I don’t understand interventions.
What’s the point of being told I drink too much by a room full of the reasons I drink in the first place?
Oh, you don’t have a Valentine for Valentine’s Day? I didn’t have a groundhog for Groundhog Day.
Did you even think about that??
Tried to sleep by reading a boring book and now it’s suddenly the most interesting book.
A turn signal, but if you use it, your car catches on fire
~ the guy in front of me, apparently
Straight guys on twitter, If you haven’t been hit on by a gay guy on here take a long look at yourself & figure out what’s wrong with you.
Celebrities are like we’re just like you then they name their kids Fruitcake and Archipelago.
SON: I’m moving out as soon as I turn 18 and you can’t stop me.
ME: [pumping fist] If you insist.
Drove past two First Baptist churches.
One of them is lying.
Kids just said, “we made a piñata for the cat’s birthday!” and I’m here like we have a cat and it has a birthday?
In my experience, the best way to get herd immunity is to go up and punch the biggest cow in the field right in the face. Those other cows won’t touch you bro. I haven’t gotten shit off a cow in three years now.
Me *swallowing 4th wet t-shirt* this contest is hard
ME: How much for the dehydrated otter?
PET STORE OWNER: That’s a weasel
You: I’m combining breakfast and lunch. Brunch.
Me: I’m combining wine and dinner. Winner
If you get a present from me with scissors and a roll of tape trapped under the wrapping paper, I’m gonna need those back.
Baby wood ducks hurl themselves 60’ from nests in tree cavities a day after they hatch but sure son, I can bring your laundry downstairs
*deep fries turkey
*deep fries deck
*deep fries backyard
*deep fries house
*deep fries neighborhood
*deep fries los angeles
I never feel quite so uncertain as when I’m walking the dog and a neighbor driving by waves to me but my free hand has a bag of poop in it.
All these pregnancy photos are so annoying. It’s like, “Ugh, we get it, you ate a baby.”
Ted Cruz is complaining about “liberal fascism,” so I guess he’s just stringing random unrelated words together, like “potato doorknob.”
Sorry the edible underwear weren’t edible anymore by the time you tried to eat them. It was a long drive to your apartment.
My 4 y/o doesn’t realize that things in life have happened before his existence. I bet this is what life is like for Kanye. Let’s be gentle.
Me: What do you need to watch out for while trick-or-treating?
Kids: Cars
Me: And…
Kids: Wine moms
*first day as a getaway driver*
Me: Hey does anybody want anything from the drive-through?
I hate when I miss the garbage truck and just have to throw trash in the neighbors hot tub again
Do you think Dracula ever forgets his coffin is shut and sits up and hits his head?
[sex]
GF: u bring protection?
ME: ya [i show a gun]
GF: not what I meant
ME: I kno, I have a fox guarding us. The gun is for if it wigs out