2018 guy: girls wear so much makeup lol
1018 guy: I can’t even tell who i’m married to because everyone’s face is covered in dirt
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Duolingo is the only app I have where I can safely avoid Succession spoilers
Whenever I see the words “horse-drawn carriage” I wonder if the horse’s artistic output was limited to means of transportation, or he also did cartoons.
Every time I use hand sanitizer I wonder about the 0.1% of bacteria that isn’t killed.
What the hell kind of scary shit is that?
Me: My bed is so warm and cosy. I never want to leave.
Bladder: AHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
Who’s up for joining me for some couples counseling just to see how long it takes until the therapist realizes we don’t even know each other?
Alien: we are here to enslave you
Me: *not looking up from phone* huh?
Alien: I SAID..
Me: *still not looking up* yeah I said I’ll do it
My phone: 58%.
My husband’s phone: 7%.
Me: Honey, I need your charger.
accurate
7 years and 170,000 tweets later, all I can say is I’m glad this isn’t a gambling addiction.
Parents please check your kids’ Halloween candy. Just found an orca inside of a Hershey bar. Stay safe this Halloween.
Every boy band song should have a part where they realize they’re singing about the same girl & get mad at each other.
Psychologist: I found that through a system of simple rewards I can train an animal to repeat a specific behavior.
Boss: Nice. Keep it up, Skinner, and you’ll get tenure.
I hate when you meet a new person and you like them, I mean I’m maxed out with 3 friends right now and having a 4th just seems like it’ll eat into nap time
Me at 5: I’ll be famous one day.
Me at 15: I’ll be successful one day.
Me at 25: I’ll take a great vacation one day
Me now: I’ll just eat this this sauerkraut straight from the can.
It’s ok, fake Christmas tree…
…my lights don’t all go on anymore either.
*summoning demonic forces to overthrow the zoo employees*
I often think if I’d taken a different path in life, I could be lying on a slightly more comfortable sofa right now.
My son just demanded to be changed into different pajamas for breakfast.
Thanks, royal baby.
“WELL ACTUALLY”: a sequel to “LOVE ACTUALLY” about why it’s problematic
Me: *Calls wife* Hey, did you know that cats use their whiskers to see if they can fit through places.
Wife: Yeah, is this why your calling me?
Me: Haha no, I’m stuck in the chimney.
Me: So then, He-Man & Skeletor come to terms with their feelings and make out.
Priest: Again, writing fan fiction isn’t necessarily a sin
[boss starts giggling uncontrollably during his presentation as I tickle a voodoo doll]
cats are so dumb how do u only learn how to say one word ur entire life
I’ve discovered my home doesn’t have a basement.
It was just the estate agent doing that walking down the stairs thing behind the couch
A sense of humor is key to a good marriage. For example, my husband makes fun of himself and I laugh and he laughs. I make fun of myself and I laugh and he laughs and I go dead silent.
Parenting is like being a dive bartender: people shout drink orders, you have to listen to their problems, and the place looks like a dump.
911: 911, What’s your emergency?
Me: It’s John again.
911: John, seriously!!!
Me: I know. I know. Just an ambulance if possible. No cops.
So much has changed in such a short period of time. But whoa is still spelled whoa.
creepy kid: I see dead people
me: I see people I want dead
creepy kid: but they don’t know they’re dead
me: [racks shotgun] same