[2018]
ALIEN: take me to ur leader
ME: uh ok *takes him to president Donald Trump*
ALIEN: lol good one but seriously where’s ur real leader
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Whenever someone says, “Good question” I never hear their answer because I’m too busy congratulating myself for asking such a good question.
Interviewer: What drives you?
Me: The bus mostly
Interviewer: I mean what motivates you to get out of bed in the morning?
M: missing the bus
ME: i love you
HER: i love you too
ME: …ok wow i put my heart on the line and you’re telling me your favorite band
Why call it a fake stone you use to hide your spare house key outside rather than a sham rock?
#BlowsMyMind how straight of a line I can walk
“I have toddler-like reflexes.”
“Don’t you mean cat-like–?”
*laughs, cries, falls on face, eats Cheerio off the floor*
“No.”
I believe I can flyyy.
I believe I can touch the skyyy.
I believe I was mistaaaken.
I believe I’m faaalling.
I believe I’m gonna diiiie.
How many pans of brownies eaten gets me the Girl Scout badge for gluttony?
Trying to do deadlifts at the gym, but I can’t figure out where they hide the bodies.
Someone rang my doorbell today and I’ve never Stopped, Dropped, and Rolled under my couch faster.
Hallelujah started playing at church today
Kid behind me: mom this is the Shrek song
Thank god there is still hope for the next generation.
*speed dating bell rings
Me: Why are you breaking up with me?
Day 3 of weight loss challenge: all my coworkers look like tacos. I do not understand how the meat remains in the shell as they walk around.
I don’t know, my pockets are always stuffed full of things I need.
My wife gets upset because I like to talk during sex. Last night she hung up the phone on me.
Cheerleaders:
“U. G. L. Y. YOU AIN’T GOT NO ALIBI, YOU’RE…”{Guidance counselor glares at them}
Cheerleaders:
“… beautiful on the inside…”
*Clap clap*
Girl, is your name “Schedule” ?
Because I’m always running behind ya.
Ladies, he’s not working late. He’s trying to steal the declaration of independence. Stay woke
My husband and I decided we don’t want to have children.
We will be telling them tonight.
Alcohol is photoshop for real life.
Of course I can cook, what kind of cereal would you like
It may just be the parasite talking, but I’m going to climb that super tall building over there and release all my spores.
I’m too immature to use a recipe that calls for cumin.
Octopuses are amazing in that they can squeeze into really tight spaces to hide.
But when I do it, NO ONE is amazed. All I hear is, “Play with us!” from my kids and “STOP hiding under the bed from our kids, YOU ARE NOT an octopus!” from my wife.
[Sigh]
My wife isn’t international so we don’t celebrate
I just learned to use Instagram, so you guys can all rest assured that it is officially no longer cool.
Forgot I started my stopwatch. It’s now been 139:27.05 since I wondered how long it takes me to run five miles.
Neighbor: I don’t drink coffee it makes your teeth all yellow.
Me: Throws holy water in her face.
*Neighbor melts
Me: Not today Satan.
I never got the cat spayed but we did have ‘The Sex Talk.’
I just realized I’m back working retail during the holiday season which means I will inevitably make many people angry when I tell them “Happy holidays!”