[2018]
SON: I have the sniffles.
WIFE: Let’s get you to the ER![1986]
ME: I just took half my finger off with the saw!
DAD: Go get the hydrogen peroxide and a stapler.
ME: …
DAD: Grab me a beer on your way.
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If this doesn’t sum up England nothing will 😂😂 #snow #weather #uk
boy pyromaniac: *starts first fire*
Dad pyromaniac: “im so prou-”
Mom pyromaniac: “dont say it!”
Dad pyromaniac: “im so proud of arson”
*sees a fly*
ahhh
*trying to swat fly*
nooo
*gives up*
well if ur gona stay at least pay rent lol
FLY: *hands me a tiny check*
ME: wat the
I’ve shenanned before… and I’ll shenanigan
THE KRAKEN: Yes, I’d like to renew my lease, please.
LANDLORD: Re-lease the Kraken!
I’m voting for whichever candidate agrees to lower the price of printer ink.
-Knock Knock!
-Who is it?
-The love of your life.
– 🙂 Really?
-Hahahaha no, it’s the pizza you ordered.
when you came back from the bathroom and your younger sibling had taken your spot on the couch
My girlfriend left a tampon at my apartment and idk where the left one is. Anyone know where I can get a single left tampon to keep a set here for emergencies?
Nobody runs faster than a parent who suddenly realizes those kids have been playing silently for way too long.
My teen complained that he didn’t like the dinner I made so I told him to be sure to leave his Yelp review & also, I don’t care.
Me: [doing crossword] a body of water; three letters.
Wife: bay.
Me: flying insect w/ stinger; three letters.
Wife: bee.
Me: to hush someone; four letters.
Wife: shhh.
Me: boat Noah built; three letters.
Wife: ark.
Me: DOO DOO DOO DOO DOO DOO.
New Mom: I bought my kids’ Halloween costumes back in August!
Well-seasoned Mom: That’s cool. I take my kids shopping on October 31st so they can’t change their minds 800 times.
It’s funny how—especially in small towns—we think of lit porch lights as a symbol of welcoming. I leave mine on so the guy who paints himself purple won’t steal any more of my chairs.
Me: Have you ever tasted cat food?
Interviewer: No, I meant questions about the job.
Someone once told me that women are like books, and they were right: they have names and spines, and there’s some in the library.
Please make sure your kid’s middle name pairs well with their first name because you’ll be yelling that combo more than you think.
Instagram now has video! I’m going to film the hell out of this salad!
DATE’S FATHER: if you could have dinner with anyone alive or dea-
ME: Launchpad McQuack
HIM: I don’t think you underst-
ME: Launch👏pad👏Mc👏Quack👏
If you think flossing before a dentist appointment is bad, just wait until your first colonoscopy.
I don’t trust people with glasses, they could be superman
The US Defense budget is 40x bigger than NASA’s. It’s surprising we actually went to the moon instead of blowing it up.
Prisoner: Why’s it called a “shiv”?
Cellmate: It’s short for “shiver”
Prisoner: “Shiver”? But how does that relate to stabbing?
Cellmate: the shiv part comes before the ER
Prisoner: damn that’s cold
Watching all these killer whales attacking boats is giving me an orcasm. I’m sorry.
Look, if you need a heimlich, just ask me nicely, enough of this flapping your arms and making faces shit.
Cholesterol has a special place in my heart.
When I’m texting, I start typing faster when i see you’re typing too. Oh, IT’S ON!! #amazingrace
Him: I’ll hold your hair while you throw up
Her: *throws up*
Him: *throws up in her hair*
Trick your partner into thinking you’ve been to Costco by coming home with a canoe & a years supply of dishwasher tablets.