[2021]
One smoker left in the world. The Quit Smoking ads get personal.
HEY KEVIN, STOP SMOKING. YOU STINK. YOUR WIFE SAYS YOU NEED VIAGRA.
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WIFE: let’s get a rhododendron
ME: I hate dinosaurs no thanks
WIFE: it’s not a dinosaur
ME: What is it?
WIFE: it’s hard to describe without a thesaurus
ME: I said no dinosaurs
I was bored waiting for my doctor in the exam room but I had fun watching him trying to find the tongue depressor jar I hid.
me: want to go hunting this weekend?
friend: sure i’m game.
me: oh then you probably shouldn’t come.
My youngest once got ahold of the scissors and gave herself a haircut. It wasn’t bad. So now every 6 weeks we casually leave them out.
*pops stick of Juicy Fruit in mouth*
“Mmm, this is delic…shit, the flavor’s gone.”
I have to eat my last meal of the day earlier and earlier as time goes by or I won’t be able to sleep at night
I had supper at 10:30 this morning today
I can drop it like it’s hot just don’t ask me to get up
Roses are red, I stole them from the neighbor’s garden.
~poetry
We were just four regular guys who became legends thanks to karoke night and The Spice Girls
How to get a guys attention:
1. Take off your shirt
2. Be a TV
I just got a headache from bending down but yeah, age is just a number.
This guy in my office is a little paranoid and it’s making it that much harder to poison him.
she turns her curious eyes to the stars and asks them “it’s daytime. how can i see you right now?” the wise and beautiful stars respond “u are high as shit, my friend”
Don’t you find it weird when you go to high five someone and they interlock their fingers with yours and hold it together for a few seconds?
I know you do. That’s why I do it.
My waiter just told me he fancies himself as “an edgy comedian”
Pray for me
ME: sure, but how often do you come across a good peephole?
HER: I asked if you were a “people” person
ME: ohhh…definitely not
My support group can outdrink your support group.
A child’s purpose is to help their parents relearn the states and capitals.
[sees ghost in my room]
Ghost: don’t be scared
Me: I’m not
Ghost [points to wet patch]: you’re a little scared
Me [nervously]: oh no a ghost
Guy who invented the clock: there will be 12 numbers on it
Friend: so the day will be divided into 12 segments?
Inventor: no, 24
Friend: so will the day start at 1
Inventor: the day will start at the 12, which is at night
Friend:
Inventor: the 6 means 30
Boy, ISIS are going to be pissed when they find out New Atheists talk about God more than them.
Might buy an ice-cream truck just so that I can drive it around town, playing the jingle, whilst eating the inventory all by myself in plain view of the public.
As I walk through the valley of the Shadow of Death, I remind myself that you can’t always trust Google Maps.
I built an electric fence around my house. My neighbour is dead against it.
just saw Gravity. excuse me while I go hug the earth.
Never let the fear of failure keep you from failing.
I finished my iced coffee even though all of the ice had melted, so I’m really crushing my water intake today
To avoid the awkward 5 minutes, lean over and give the cashier butterfly kisses while waiting for your 500 foot CVS receipt.
Chestnut implies the existence of legnut, armnut, necknut and the much anticipated buttnut.
Wife “WHY ARE THERE MUDDY FOOTPRINTS ALL OVER THE HALL?”
[Me while trying to push a zebra up into the attic] Must be that damn dog again…