[ autumn, 1579 ]
pumpkin farmer: i say, you’ve spilled your spice on my pumpkins!
spice merchant: poppycock! for YOU have gotten your pumpkin in MY spice!
susan: *rising up out of a barrel* omg this is sooo good I want like 12 ventis all in my mouth
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I’ve fallen in love on Twitter and I think the 7 of us will be very happy together
A man fought off a polar bear yesterday using only his cell phone… it was probably a blackberry. The bear was so disgusted he just left.
[first day working at DMV]
Me: I hope you like paperwork
Guy: I am not a fan
Me: *cautiously lifting paperweight* sounds like something a fan would say
The best part about talking to a narcissist is how there isn’t any pressure to add to the conversation.
My son was so sweet this morning. He took the garbage and recycling out without being asked, so I really think we’re turning a corner on this grouchy morning teen thing.
In unrelated news, my son asked for $20 right before he left for school.
Let me show you how you can claim your dog as a dependent on your tax return.
~Me flirting
I bet Amelia Earhart is just wandering around in an IKEA somewhere.
Got my daughter a one-dollar gift card to the Dollar Store and told her to get whatever she wants.
Well, well, well. Guess who the grocery store asked to come back soon
You’re on your deathbed. You gather the strength to utter your last words “Boxers with pockets,” you say. “You’ll never have to wear pants.”
I’m beginning to think “hindsight is 2020” was some kind of message from a future time traveler that we all misunderstood.
I hear the Pink Panther song when I sneak down the hall for a midnight snack..
how to screw with your cat’s head 101
OF COURSE IT’S A GENUINE BEETHOVEN! Look at those brush strokes, the stunning use of colour.
Social experiments where skinny people wear fat suits teach us to be nicer to fat people because it might be a skinny person in a fat suit.
Ohh, no thanks. I have seen a baby before
ME: My cat isn’t overweight; she’s just big-boned
VET: This is a dog
I don’t understand how people in the Walking Dead are living in the zombie apocalypse and they still look more well rested than I do
Her: When I said a night guard I meant one of those things that protects your teeth overnight.
Me: *removes samurai helmet* Oh.
every Crock-Pot recipe:
– add anything you have in the house
– cook two to fourteen hours.
WARDEN: any last words
ME: come closer
WARDEN: *leans down* yes?
ME: *whispering* never gonna give you up never gonna let you down
Anyone want to do the laundry for me? Im exhausted. I can pay you in beanie babies or hot monkey sex.
The monkey’s name is Earl. He bites.
I haven’t exaggerated in over 370 years.
Yup.
Future historians will be asked which quarter of 2020 they specialize in.
Waffles make excellent pill organizers
Once in third grade I karate kicked at a popular girl because she was making fun of me and my shoe flew off and went directly into her mouth. So, yes, I guess you could say I know a thing or two about martial arts.
Things that interrupt sex:
20s: drunk roommate walks in on you
30s: kids walk in on you
40s: spouse walks in on you
50s: foot cramp
genie: [unloading my dishwasher] this is ridiculous
The wife says our marriage is boring so I replaced the air freshner in the bathroom with an air horn