[2050]
“Grandpa, how did President Trump ever get elected?”Well, we were a bit distracted. That was the year adult coloring books came out
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Find a penny, pick it up. All day long you’ll wtf, that thing is filthy. Wash your hands immediately.
I’m really bad at measuring the correct amount of pasta when cooking, so if you and 79 of your friends want spaghetti tonight…I got extra.
Me: DIALOGUE!!!
Other lumberjack: You’re supposed to yell timber.
me: I broke my leg, can anyone help
guy: I know what to do
me: oh thank goodness
guy: *loading shotgun* I learned from looking after horses
me: k wait
Taking the day off to brush up on conspiracy theories and really get this thanksgiving party started.
“Watch what happens when the human children hear the sound of their mother eating something four rooms away.”
-if animals made nature shows
Why go through the trouble of becoming an astronaut when you could just put a plastic bag over your head and roll down a hill in a freezer?
Yesterday there was a sign in our building lobby saying that a possum was living in our trash cans. This morning the sign was gone.
Best case scenario: The possum relocated overnight.
Worst case scenario: The possum took down the sign itself
Someone flipped me off so I threw my wallet at him and said “I love you.”
He didn’t even die.
Killing people with kindness is hard.
Me: You never told me you were on the debate team in college..
Her: Yes I did.
Me: No you didn’t.
Her: Yes I did.
Me: Oh you’re good!
ISSUE: is the road runner wile e coyote’s son
FOR: thhey, seem to respect each other, on some level
AGAINST: one of them is a dog
Reasons trains are delayed/cancelled in Britain:
– Wrong kind of sun
– Ominous cloud
– Slightly damp leaf
– Chilly track
– Suspicious gravel
– Doubtful platform
– Cynical breeze
– Wobbly signal
– Inclement vibe
– Sarcastic swan
I’m not much of a wrestler, can this alligator play badminton?
cat: *rolls over on back* pet my belly
me: no i know this is a trap
cat:
me:
cat:
me: fine *goes to pet belly*
cat: *claws & bites my hand* hahah have some scratches, as a treat you stupid idiot
I’m not the girl you should put on speakerphone.
“How much is that doggy in the window” is a dumb thing to write a song about. Just go ask one of the workers
MY DAD (pounding on bathroom door): You’d better not be looking at mortgage rates again
Me: they didn’t have cell phones when I was a kid
5: they also didn’t have cars
*switches the place cards so I’m sitting next to the mashed potatoes*
I told my husband that one of the kids isn’t his. He’s not mine either. He just wandered in one day and never went home.
The family pet is getting old so we’re all pitching in and throwing the dog poop in the neighbors yard when she can’t make it over there.
Just gonna drink light beers today because I don’t wanna get drunk but I do enjoy peeing 37 times.
*in the basement organizing LEGO by color and size*
My child: Can I help?
Me: *straight up hissing noises*
[date]
HER: So do you like Star Wars?
ME: Oh yeah
HER: Who’s your favorite character?
ME: *nervously looking at smudged notes* Yoga
[first day as flight attendant]
me: DOES ANYBODY KNOW HOW TO FLY A PLANE
passengers: *screaming*
pilot: yes I do
me: ohthankgod
My ex once told me that she still had feelings for me but then clarified that they were all negative ones
My husband is in the other room explaining to the cat that even tho we are going to bed early, he (the cat) is welcome to stay up
[Inventing Canadians]
Angels: *giggling* omg they’re SO nice!
God: Oh yeah? Check this out. *drops hockey puck*
Some kids pranked a school board meeting on some Bart Simpson shit and I am crying!! 😭😭😭😭
[During acupuncture]
Voodoo doll: OWWWWWWCH