[2054: We develop cheap cloning technology]
[2055: Restaurant opens where you can have clones of yourself serve cooked clones of yourself]
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Idea: “Celebrity Price Is Right” where Gwyneth Paltrow guesses that loaves of bread cost $460
shark tooth fairy: *throwing fins up in the air* I quit
The cable guy was on my street and asked me what time it was.
I told him it’s between 8am and 12pm.
Not to brag in front of all the other moms at this swim meet, but my kid can swim in slow motion.
BREAKING: Pot calls kettle “black”. “Racial tension at boiling point” says mayor of kitchen cupboard
My kid saw a pic of teen me and almost thought it was her. I pointed to myself and said look close, here’s your future. To which she replied, “not if I take care of myself, mom”.
Free to good home. Vaccines are up to date.
Going to start a band called The Subtweets. All songs will contain cryptic lyrics that incite paranoia in the crowd.
I just pressed the Popcorn setting on my microwave and it showed me secret spy video of Kellyanne Conway eating lunch.
Asking if judges go commando under their robes is a sure-fire way to get out of jury duty.
People that are stoned shouldn’t throw glass houses.
[3 AM]
Me: Why are any of us here, really?
Zoo security guard: I’m asking about you, specifically.
craving $300 all of a sudden
30 is weird because I have pictures of my friends’ kids on my camera roll but also like a ton of nudes.
Eating a slice of pizza is hard when you’re going through the car wash, without a car.
Absolutely destroyed my bed last night… I cuddled those covers so hard
My son told me that it doesn’t matter what way the towels face when he puts them away and it’s almost like he wants to see my eye do that twitchy thing.
6: Daddy, when did the first Thanksgiving happen?
Me: Great question! The first Thanksgiving dinner was 400 years ago–
6: –Oh, were you there?!
Me:
Her: You enjoy silently judging everyone, don’t you.
Me: Silently? No.
Thanksgiving regret: no one at dinner wanted to talk about why the family members on TV’s “Dinosaurs” were all different species of dinosaur
And Satan said “Let them drink instant coffee”.
Future said “I wake up on a daily basis” so he other does so much drugs that that’s an accomplishment or he doesnt know thats what people do
*reads an article on a subject I know* This is bullshit
*reads an article on a subject I don’t know* If it’s published it must be accurate
My cat managed to open a kitchen cabinet and sliced open a bag of flour. I walked into what looked like a feline version of the movie Blow.
[game night]
date: do you have siblings?me: *flips table*
date: so you’re the youngest
ME: [first day as a detective] Was the robber armed?
VICTIM: Yes. 9 millimetre.
ME: *writing ‘probably a T-Rex’ in my notebook* Thank you.
[fire]
EVERYONE REMAIN CALM.
Use the stairs.
DO NOT use the elevators.We’re on the 12th floor…
*sigh*
I guess I’m dying in a fire.
We were watching a reality show with really annoying people and I said they made me wanna puke and my husband said he wanted to torch the TV and my 13yo was like “just let them be happy” and I don’t know how we raised a child who doesn’t know how to hate watch something properly.
Guys with ponytails are clearly vampires because there’s no way you can actually see yourself in a mirror & still think that looks good.
Hello I am Tightbeard McShoulderchest and my favourite workout is standing in everyone’s way in front of the gym equipment checking my phone