on this day in 2001 my roommate picked up the phone and canceled at 93% my Napster download of Ms. Jackson by Outkast that had been going for 11 hours
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welcome to your 40s, the first song you ever made out to is being used to promote mutual funds
When your cat crashes his bicycle in his dream.. 😂
If biscuits were slimming and contained every nutrient the human body needs, I’d be in terrific shape.
Do you like Taco Bell? Then you’ll LOVE real food!
I like the new game of thrones show but I don’t think the laugh track is necessary
The divorce rate is almost at 60%. How does Cupid keep his job with that level of failure?
[baker’s school admissions test] what number comes after 11
[Job Interview]
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: Chief Executive Director of Burrito Operations.
Interviewer: Uh… we’re not a food company.
Me: *leans back, puts feet on the desk, pulls out a burrito* Yet.
What if ISIS started claiming responsibility for nice things like when my mom says, “who emptied the dishwasher?!”
I don’t always drop things when looking in the fridge, but when I do, it’s a Costco size box of blueberries
wife: are you still reading that stupid dorothy and scarecrow wizard of oz fan fiction
me: i’ll have you know 50 shades of hay is a true literary masterpiece
My girlfriend just explained to me that people can’t actually go through black holes, and now I don’t really care about space anymore.
Guess who’s got 7 thumbs and a a set of keys to a cadaver lab?
As suspected, someone has been adding soil to my garden.
The plot thickens.
*job interview*
“Youre 30? Why haven’t you accomplished your life goals?”
“Tbh I thought the Mayan apocalypse was real. No plan past that.”
If by “morning person” you mean I wake up at 4 am staring into the inky blackness imagining horrific outcomes then yes I’m a morning person.
Today’s kids will never know how to play Minesweeper – because neither did we 😂
Following the leaking of nude photo’s of Kim Kardashian, her personal assistant has been sacked for the delay.
Sorry I yelled “pull” when you released doves at your wedding.
Me: *needles jabbing me thousands of times for a tattoo* So rad
Also Me: *one needle, one jab at the dentist* Our Father, who art in heaven
This will be our daughter’s first year trick or treating and the goal is to get her to collect all the candy for us and then immediately forget it exists
Wife: The kid was holding a sparkler.
Me: …I thought her arm was on fire.
Wife: You hosed her down for 9 minutes.
in case you were wondering how things are going these days for the generation that attended kindergarten exclusively via zoom…
our 6yo has started surreptitiously playing wordle on his school-issued chromebook while in class and skyping us his score
Wife is angry because “somebody” dripped grape jelly onto the dog’s head.
It feels very accusatory.
[campfire]
ME: They say these trees are over 200 years old. Man, if trees could talk…
TREE: Please stop burning my flesh to cook hot dogs.
If you love something keep it in the refrigerator, keep it fresh, that thing you love is a lot like mayonnaise.
Seriously you guys, the only reason to check Facebook, is to find out where people are going, and then go somewhere else.
Stopping to get donuts for the office only works as an excuse for being late if the box isn’t empty.
A couple is asleep when their doorbell rings at 3am.
The wife shakes the husband and says “Honey, there’s someone at the door.”
The husband, irritated gets up and opens the door to an obviously drunk man.
“Can I help you?”
“Could you give me a push?” asks the drunk man.…
Your odds are greater of being killed by a coconut rather than a shark and this is exactly why I don’t swim in coconut-infested waters.