20s: I do yoga so I can be better in bed
30s: I do yoga so I can get out of bed
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[First day as a mortician]
Me: Anybody seen my grapes?
[Later]
Widow: *looking down at casket* His eyes look weird
Opening a smartphone is the new walking into the kitchen.
“Why am I in here again?”
Elephant Mum: Never forget where you came from.
Elephant Son: Mum, I’m an elephant; I’m hardly going to forget a thing like that.
Elephant Mum: It’s an expression.
Elephant Son: What is?
Me: there’s a swarm of beets outside
Her: you mean bees?
[loud thud on the window]
Me: get the gun
I once accidentally broke up with a girl on a broken-down train, when I said “I don’t think this is going anywhere.”
Kid: Mommy’s last name must be “Honey” cuz that’s what daddy calls her
Teacher: That’s SWEET. What’s her first name?
Kid: “Sorry,” I think
Husband: What should we do today?
Me: It’s up to you.
Husband: Beach?
Me: No.
Husband: Movie?
Me: No.
Husband: Museum?
Me: No.
Husband: Then what do you want to do?
Me: I don’t care. You choose.
[the noise of everyone talking at a party randomly goes silent]
ME: i call hot dogs meat pickles
My Fitbit isn’t accurate when I hold my kid’s hand or push a cart, so I put it on my ankle to get that sexy house arrest look
Gone in 60 Seconds is a documentary about me leaving work on Fridays.
[Police sketch artist job interview]
“How am I not qualified?”
Your resume is a stick figure and a poorly drawn igloo
“It’s a cat actually”
Customer: did you know that when octopuses get mad they throw things at one another?
Me, slowly suspecting my ex might have been an octopus: you don’t say…
New Year’s Eve would be so much better if it happened around sevenish.
A Spartan boy was ripped from his mother at seven and subjected to daily beatings
My mother calls at 40+ to make sure that I’m still eating
When my Internet is down for more than 2 minutes, I assume Western civilization has collapsed so I start looting.
I need a man who talks as fast as Kevin Hart. I got shit to do.
You can describe my personality as being confidently wrong all the time.
My daughter wrote “Daddy is the best” in the snow then smashed it when I made her come inside. She’ll make some lucky guy miserable one day.
one taught me love
one taught me patience
and one taught me pain
she wears short skirts, I’m googling the symptoms of gout. she’s cheer captain, and I have gout
What does it mean when you’re on a date and he pushes you in front of a bus?
Hit my coworker with “you’re a lucky man” after I saw a picture of his wife just to let him know that I want to sleep with her
My almost 80 year old father was scrolling through obituaries the other day at breakfast when he noticed that the husband of one of his old girlfriends had passed away. So anyway my dad has a new girlfriend.
So my 5 year old’s stuffed owl and his stuffed mouse are best friends, and I don’t know how to break the news to him…
‘Escalator’ is what He-Man’s enemy is called in Spain.
“YOU WANNA TAKE THIS OUTSIDE!?” I yell to my husband as I hand him the trash.
them: is that a real sword
me: why would i walk around with a toy sword. that’s crazy
It would have sucked so bad for all those passengers when they realized they were on the Titanic
[at dave’s who has like 9 dogs]
me: “what d’you call a fly with no wings”
dave: “keith dont”
me: “a WALK!”
[drowns in a tidal wave of dogs]
ME: I don’t know about your cat but mine is an absolute angel
MY CAT: *releases one of the hostages*