20s: I do yoga so I can be better in bed
30s: I do yoga so I can get out of bed
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Please. Old people. When you comment on a Facebook pic you don’t need to end with Love, James. WE CAN SEE YOUR NAME YOU’RE NOT AN OSTRICH
Wait wait wait wait wait wait wait…
What if giving up is overrated?
[christ descends from heaven]
I HAVE RETURNED
[sees america]
OK I’MMA COME BACK LATER
{emergency evacuation}
Police:For the last time you need to leave your house now!
Me:*frantically packing my Golden Girls DVD box set* ok ok
Cashier at McDonalds said “See you later” a little too smugly at breakfast. I did not appreciate her condescension and told her so at lunch.
This isn’t fat this is a stockpile. I’m doomsday prepping.
HER: [parallel parking] i’m so bad at this
HIM: you should probably get tested
HER: lol it’s not that bad
HIM: i have chlamydia
I’ve heard that there are people that can keep every room of their house clean at the same time
At my house the rooms have to take turns being clean, kind of like the kids
if u ever feel insecure just remember that there is at least one couple where your name is a sensitive topic. kinda sexy of you to be that important
oh frick my wife just asked me to bring 10 pages of my best “husbanding” to the living room for a review
the new ghostbusters r all womans?? seriuosoly. all womans?, this is the most unrealistic thing about the movie about peopel who bust ghosts
Remembering when I taught middle school and some girls wanted to have a Twilight book club in my classroom and then they uninvited me when they found out I was team Jacob
Why is it called a “network of computers streaming Disney movies to cows” and not “Moo-LAN”
Me: Magic 8-Ball, am I stupid?
Bowling Ball:
turkey? Nope. I haven’t seen a turkey
i’m left-handed but sometimes i like to switch hands and do things with my right hand just to see what it’s like to work like a robot
Our society makes women ashamed and unhappy with their bodies. I, for one, have always been disappointed by the lack of cupholders on mine.
Ulterior motives? Please, I don’t even know why I do things.
I always run towards screaming. Sure, it could be a horrible murder in progress. BUT it could also be ice cream.
Taliband
Freezing cake does not impede eating.
Stiff calories are still delicious.
Whoever invented the carpet sweeper probably died laughing.
put a pic of a girl with perfect abs on my fridge so I’m motivated to suck in my gut every time I pull out the ice cream
the problem with being nice to people is you end up getting invited to their wedding.
*Detective stands over murder victim*
This looks like a case of…
*Takes off sunglasses*
*Removes contacts*
*Brushes teeth*
*Goes to bed*
[Social Media Addiction Club]
Hi, my name is Brenda, and I’m addicted to social media.
*no one looks up from their phone* Hi, Brenda.
Whenever I see an unsecured WiFi, I just assume it’s owned by a chimpanzee sitting in a room and hitting a keyboard with a hammer.
[Bank]
COP: [through megaphone] LET ONE OF THE HOSTAGES GO
ROBBER: Okay, who wants out?
ME: [spinning on bosses chair] I’m comfortable.
“Baby got Baaaa” -Sheep mix a lot