20s: I do yoga so I can be better in bed
30s: I do yoga so I can get out of bed
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That fire is totally ignoring the no-smoking sign
Me: i want a ferraro
Friend: ferrari?
Me: no just one
Boy if these walls could talk I’d be like “HOLY SHIT TALKING WALLS”
No point crayon over spilled milk.
If they could bottle how good it feels to take off your bra, that would sell for more than any expensive wine.
As an introvert, having a special place in hell reserved just for me sounds rather nice.
“I love Justin Bieber” well I love McDonalds but you dont see me making an account pretending to be a chicken nugget, do you?
Just saw a girl wearing a “BAD GAL” t-shirt so I yelled “NO!” & smacked her on the nose with a rolled up newspaper.
*me laying on the couch naked & posed as they walk in*
Wife: The note said come to my parents for a ‘quiche’ you idiot.
I don’t think my blind date was blind, she read the menu and caught the basketball I threw at her
When someone tells me that the best part of their job is getting to talk to people all day, I’m too frightened to ask what the worst part is.
Hooking up with your ex is a great way to reassure yourself that dying alone wouldn’t be the worst thing in the world.
Amish guys have to rowboat their wives.
I’m not saying I’ve let my house get filthy, but this is the second time I’ve caught my new Roomba trying to mail itself back to the factory
My weather app just says, “Oh no.” I wonder what that means?
me: Baby shark doo doo doo doo doo doo baby shark doo doo doo doo doo baby shark! Mommy shark doo doo-
Other people on life raft: please stop
GOD: why aren’t there more plants on earth?
ANGEL: the snails are doing a bad job of pollinating the flowers
GOD: ok then let’s go to plan bee
My girlfriend has started pronouncing the word “pedant” “pendant” as a kind of accusation, taunting me, daring me to say something
Relationship status: Lucy holding the football for Charlie Brown to kick. She’s Lucy. I’m the football.
You’re probably wondering how I tweet so much while maintaining a loving marriage and two amazing kids. The key is neglect.
that kind of tired where you wanna tell people who sneeze repeatedly to quit celebrating their allergies so loud
I’m so poor, the ducks are throwing bread at me.
#RubbishJokes #DadJokes
“The Walking Dad,” but it’s just a guy walking around the house turning off lights and muttering that he’s “not made of money”
Thought a guy on a bicycle was doing a fist pump so I almost did one back until I realized he was just really enthusiastic about turning right
if how you live this life is reflected by what you become in the next, i kinda wonder what grandpa did to come back as a pot pie?
The evil clown mannequin I put in my window must be working because no one has ever broken in. Or visited me.
The young witch sat atop her brand new Roomba and flew into the air.
*bumps into tree*
*turns*
*bumps into stop sign*
*turns*
My dead husband has to report for jury duty. He just can’t catch a break.
[guy who’s about to invent politics]
*getting along with everyone* this just won’t do
You know how sometimes girls wear fake glasses because they think it makes them look cute? I’m going to wear a fake monocle so people will think I’m evil