20s: Rage Against The Machine
30s: Rage Against Literally Everything
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“I call it orange soda cause it’s orange and soda”
-My 4yo inventing orange soda
A show I auditioned for premieres tonight so we should be filming my scenes any minute now.
My only stock options are chicken and beef.
Mary Had a Little Lamb, Little Lamb, Little
Lamb. Maybe she wasn’t that hungry.
When I’m empty-handed my dog doesn’t know what the word ‘sit’ means, but if I have a treat she can perform neurosurgery.
Don’t mind me while I aim the remote at your face and make fast-forward button gestures.
Me: “I’ve been really under the weather lately.”
Doctor: “When did your symptoms start?”
Me (checks watch): “1985.”
doctor: do you have a name picked out?
me: yah it’s St-
wife: we are not naming our daughter starscream
not sure why we don’t use this thing more often
Cats do not subscribe to the laws of physics.
New-to-school parent: I haven’t heard that — was it in one of the school emails?
Experienced parent: Oh I don’t know, don’t read those. Heard it from Becky whose neighbor’s sister-in-law works in the school office on Thursday mornings.
you never realize how long a minute actually is until you’re exercising.
When someone says, “I can’t believe how cool the mornings are getting,” I picture the morning with greased-back hair and a leather jacket.
i woke up at 3:48 from a weird dream i wanted to rememember. tried to text myself sketchy details. accidentally sent them to a number one off from mine. help
If your kids are getting on your nerves you can take them sledding and watch them face plant into the snow for a sense of justice.
What I have learned from dating is that if he shows you affection, talks to you every day, and introduces you to his friends and family, he’s just not that into you
Why isn’t “long weekend” simply written as weeeeekend?
Hey Mr. Tambourine Man, play a song for me.
*Tambourine Man shakes tambourine for several minutes*
Well that sucked.
[trampoline park]
me: *needing to come back down every time i go up*
Sir Isaac Newton: holy shit
Her: All the men have jackets on. Why didnt you wear the sports jacket I got you?
Me: You bought me a ski jacket
Her: Skiing is a sport!
I’m going to donate these clothes I don’t wear anymore to charity after I drive them around in the trunk of my car for eight months.
Whoever said you cannot live off of wine and cheese alone did not try hard enough.
Sex so vanilla Baskin-Robbins names an ice cream after it.
The movie “Up” could never have been filmed today…
It’s my son’s birthday this week; so we’ve been doing whatever he wants since he was born.
“Mind control agents in chem trails sounds crazy? That’s EXACTLY what the govt wants”
Bride: I shouldn’t have let you write your own vows
Whenever there’s an immortal in any story they always know a dozen languages and have a ton of varied skills. Just once I want to see a character just squander it the way I would. 900 years old, barely speaks 1 language, binge watching The Office for the 7000th time
I put the dog’s drugs in peanut butter so she’ll take them. She loves peanut butter cuz she thinks it tastes good AND it gets her high.
*Text alert*
Freddy Krueger: “Hey you up?”
Me: “Yup”
Freddie Krueger: “Damn.😢”