20YR OLD ME: awww yeah! a new car!
30YR OLD ME: aww yeah! a new Xbox 360!
40YR OLD ME: aw yeah! a new shower curtain with a mildew-resistant liner!
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me: just going to take off my hoodie.
shirt: me too.
me: no just the hoodie.
shirt: ok but also me too.
me: no.
belly button: hello! 🙂
[Dark alley at midnight]
*Knife-wielding punk approaches
Me: “Don’t make me do something I might regret…”
*Punk sneers & raises knife
*I phone up and propose to my married high-school girlfriend
SURGEON: *cutting open patient’s torso*
NURSE: sir, what are you doing?! this is a knee replacement!
SURGEON: there’s a Pokémon in there
Sometimes I find myself feeling hopeful for the future of the human race but then I remember there are grown men who like My Little Pony.
JESUS: [walks on water]
JUDAS: Actually, the body is 60% water so it’s only 40% miracle
JESUS: You’re killing me, Judas
JUDAS: Actually..
Me, feeling an arrow sliding by my hair to end up on a tree while I hear chubby baby crying : Not today, Cupid
PASTOR: and the lord said unto us—can u stop please? it’s very distracting
ME: [bouncing up & down on yoga ball] i don’t think he said that
“Hey”, with the intention of angrily removing the tomato from my cheeseburger and slapping you in the face with it.
If my body was covered entirely in eyeballs, I still couldn’t look at you enough.
*me being romantic*
John Hammond: Damn. The dinosaurs got out and ate everyone
Me: Yeah. I guess there’s no more Jurassic Park
John Hammond:
Me:
John Hammond:
Me: I need to hear you to say it, John
Barney: I love you, you love me
Me: *rolling over in bed* look I thought this was a no strings thing
the pumpkin was invented in 1942 when a watermelon put on a pair of corduroys.
LinkedIn is severely overestimating how often I “congratulate” people.
[Raiding ISIS Safehouse]
Green leader: Area secured. Over
Me: Apple Turn. Over
GL: Wha
Me: Extreme make. Over
GL: Take that guy out too
Me: Do you want in or out?
My dog: Yes.
everyone defending oatmeal is like, “oh once i add 17 things to it, it tastes so good!”
Wow! This Child Actress is All Grown Up, and You Won’t Believe How Much She Hates Your Obsession With What She Looks Like Now:
Friend: Why do you smell like bleach?
Me: I dribbled Sprite down my cleavage and I used a Clorox wipe to get it out.
Sexy huh?Mr. Clean: oooo baby yes
May the fourth be with you and if you’re married, may the back and forth be with you
Whoa. I guess one dude quit:
i’ve decided to detach from being non-materialistic
Friend: wanna do a Boston marathon with me?
Me: is that on Netflix?
it’s amazing when it’s ur birthday 🙂 u really feel the love from family, friends, lovers, former dentists, yoga studios and various smootheries
If I say something happened “the other day” that could mean any time after 1994
Fight club except it’s me and an old nail polish bottle.
I like to keep my husband on his toes by texting, “How could you do this to me?” at least 2 times per day.
Use Angie’s List if you want a plumber to come over.
Use Craigslist if you want that plumber to come over with no pants.
Just a reminder that a Cheesecake Factory menu counts as summer reading for your kids.
Welcome to your 40s. When you’re hungry your stomach sounds like a storm coming in.
SERGEANT: we need you to take out the sniper
ME: [stops licking ice cream cone] now?