Hollywood’s obsession with hacking scenes in movies made me woefully overestimate how many elevators I’d have to “hack” as a programmer
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I had abstinence-only sex education when I was in high school.
It was called Dungeons and Dragons.
Him: You’re a DJ? I’m not one for dancing. I’ve got this leg, you see? I’ve had it since the war.
Me: How long have you had the other one?
Just gonna eat a cookie and reflect on this
Me to my children: I would kill and die for you
Also me to my children: I AM NOT YOUR DAMN MAID AND WILL BURN ALL THE SHIT ON YOUR BEDROOM FLOORS IN A MASSIVE BONFIRE AND DANCE AROUND THE FLAMES IN GLORY AND RAGE
Stop saying “so I did a thing”…just say what you did, moron
you: this is my avocado peeler, and this is my avocado masher, and this is my avocado slicer…
me: fork.
Today’s assignment:
If anyone asks you what you’re doing this weekend, grab them and shake them saying “What have you heard? WHAT HAVE YOU HEARD???”
[first day as a ninja]
me: *sneaking in*
him: I’ve been expecting you
me: how
him: dude, I heard the tic tacs rattling in your purse from a mile away is this your first day
you know covid done screwed everything up when you get into a car accident with a small plane.. you don’t even panic you guys just exchange insurance information.
When my 2 y.o. throws a temper tantrum, I suddenly don’t feel so bad about leaving her with massive national debt & a destroyed environment.
My 5/o just said “That’s Classic!!” WTF is classic to a 5 y/o? Blues Clues??
Once again I feel like I slept in a washing machine.
*brings a tranquilizer gun to a pillow fight*
guys we are on vacation and my husband keeps striking up conversations with people who don’t speak his language then doesn’t back down, save me
TIM: how are you?
ME: it’s Monday
TIM: yeah
ME: the sun is up
TIM: are u just listing facts?
ME: lettuce is a member of the sunflower family
I just bet a hyena £1000 that he couldn’t swim across a river and now he’s laughing all the way to the bank.
Man Who Didn’t Order Anything Online Still Checks Name On Package Just In Case Amazon Sent Him A Little Present
My son was like ‘I got a D in my maths’ and I was like ‘That’s really bad’ and my wife was like ‘you need to stop doing his homework’.
Me: “As a single dad, I find that–”
Her: “Uhhh, we’re married.”
Me: “Right, but I’m the only dad.”
My toddler punched me in the eye, then made me kiss his hand, ’cause his fist hurt. And he’ll hear about it every Mother’s Day until I die.
Worst bar ever.
#rubbishjokes
What’s black and white and makes a lot of noise?A panda with a set of drums.
Where my American History knowledge comes from:
25% school
25% internet
50% Forrest Gump
Me: Will you please just SHUT UP!
Brain: Well damn, don’t come running to me when you forget how to spell CAT.
[Our sex tape gets leaked]
Wife: Now do you believe me that you snore?
Drug dealer: if you’re a cop, you have to tell me
Me: [into shoulder radio] is that true
When I was a kid I used to sneak into the racetrack. I was making a bet at the window and the lady said, “You’re not eighteen.” I said, “It’s for my dad,” and pointed out some old drunk. He waved. She said, “He looks wasted.” I said, “He is. Don’t make fun of my dad.”
Me: *Spitting out teeth*
Her: Omg what happened?
Me: I ate too many of them
I don’t do weights but my 4yo refuses to walk sometimes so yeah I lift
Building a public square in a city or town is plazable.