CENTAUR: My dad slept with a horse
MINOTAUR: My mum slept with a bull
PIGOTAUR: My dad was Prime Minister.
You Might Also Like
*stands over dads casket*
“Mom isn’t doing well, dad.”
*puts hand on dad’s shoulder*
“You need to stop building caskets. It’s creepy.”
“You make your own luck!”
– Lucky People
If I was Snow White you’d never be able to kill me with an apple…you’d have to poison an eclair or something…
How is it that tomato sauce can stay hot for 16 hours but bath water can only stay hot for 48 seconds?
You answer the door and see me calmly standing in front of you covered in a red viscus liquid. You scream before I can ask to borrow more ketchup for our slip’n slide.
EARTH: *celebrates her 50th Earth Day*
BILLIONAIRES: *start eyeing younger planets*
it’s not about the cards you’re dealt, but how you play the hand you’ve got hidden up your sleeve
Her: We’re having twins!
Me: WHO IS THE OTHER FATHER?!?!!
My 10 y/o daughter checked my wife’s Fitbit and she “didn’t move enough last night to be Santa Claus” and I still don’t have a “real beard” so it appears the old man will be back next year.
If you’re going to cook a hamster, don’t you dare do it in the microwave. Be civilized. Use a rotisserie.
Every viral tweet now has like 9 followups from the author like:
My husband got me flowers!
I wanted to clarify my husband and I do equal housework
I did not know tulip farms were so bad for the environment, sorry
I apologize that this was insensitive to people with allergies
This cop is acting like he never saw anyone drive while making waffles before.
I tried to contact Joan Rivers through my ouija board, and a message came back: “If I wasn’t already dead, your outfit would’ve killed me”.
Homeschooling isn’t going great but at least my son has learned the skill of hiding in the bathroom in case he has kids one day
Nana: I found you on twitter
Me: …
N: so you like the butt stuff
Me:…
N: me too
Me:…
Dolls have given us an unrealistic image of women. For example, I found out Russian women do not contain smaller Russian women inside them.
tried to lock my phone and ended up taking a screenshot to commemorate my failure
Me: I’ve trained my parrot to compliment me daily.
Parrot: you are SO clever, aren’t you.
Me: *sighing* it’s also learnt my sarcastic tone.
Guns don’t kill people
People that have 5 kids, 1 cat, 2 ex-mother-in-laws & work 50 hours a week without wine in their life, kill people
I put a potato down my pants to impress a girl. Next time I’ll put it down the front.
Emma Stone is my girlfriend. Nobody tell her, though. I want it to be a surprise.
Life is as good or as bad as you make it. Take responsibility for your choices, including how you feel about a situation. And breathe.
6yo: Newton discovered gravy
Me: gravity, he discovered gravity.
6yo: what’s that?
Me: it’s what stops you floating off into space
6yo: *sadly* he should have stuck with the gravy
Never ‘boop’ a police officer on the nose when he pulls you over for speeding; I know this now.
I off-handedly mentioned to my husband I hadn’t eaten anything today and he was kind enough to remind me I had a large caramel latte that was “probably a good 500 calories right there!”
[anniversary dinner]
HER: tell me something that will make my heart race
ME: my credit card got declined
I get all my cardio by crying when someone calls me ma’am at the gym.
Go ahead and share your political views at this office party. We’re all friends here.
– alcohol
Good mental health at work and good management go hand in hand and there is strong evidence that workplaces with high levels of mental wellbeing are more productive.
📸: @lizandmollie
#positivethoughts #positivemind #positivelife #dailymotivation #keepmovingforward
Seems like an opportune time to resurface my favorite interview moment