21st century kid on Santa’s lap-“Yo santa, some more insta followers would be real dope for Christmas. Thanks bruh bruh”
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Friend: How’d you lose your voice?
Me: By failing at gentle parenting.
If I were a proctologist, you KNOW I would keep a pair of Hulk Hands in my exam room.
Kid: Hey Mom.
Me: I’m asleep.
Kid: Where is the switch to the garbage disposal?
Me: I’M AWAKE.
—Interviewer: Do you have any special skill that can benefit our company?
Me:
When a stranger changes in front of you, they’re either interested or you’re friend zoned.
It’s hard to tell from this tree.
me: [taking off shirt]
wife: woah slow down there bud
me: [sadly buttoning] so we’re not having spaghetti tonight?
Anyone want to go on a date with me tomorrow? It’s a house chores date. You come over and help clean the house, gutters included, fix a few things. Car needs detailed too. Then when we’re done you can just ghost me
bank robber: everyone against the wall. this is a hostage situation
me, a person extremely susceptible to stockholm syndrome: [tries to hold robber’s hand] hey
sky writing doesn’t always have to be positive, come on people
I’m not saying my house is haunted, but something just growled in here. It can’t see me if I hide under the covers right?
“What? Only 2% Milk? Then what’s the other 98%!?”
[bull walking confidently out of the factory]
Oh you don’t wanna know
I just cleaned out the change at the bottom of my purse and now I have an extra $17,000.
I’VE BEEN DIETING ALL WEEK!
I’M STARVING!
-Me, on a Tuesday
Me (holding two sticks of butter): now where did i put that stick of butter? hmm i guess i didn’t get one out. hey kiddo could you grab a butter
My Son (also holding two sticks of butter): i just checked the fridge. we’re all out
Sometimes the fudge you bought on vacation turns out to be soap, but never the reverse. That’s how vacations work.
🤣
Accidentally went grocery shopping on an empty stomach and now I’m the proud owner of aisle 6
Reasons my 4yr old is crying:
She lost her very favorite book but she doesn’t remember the title or what it’s about.
Me: You ate radishes.
Friend: How can you tell?
Me: You’re burping them.
F: They were really good radishes.
Me: Not from where I’m standing.
My little old fish didn’t move around in her bowl all day. i thought she was dead but it turns out she was just going through minnow pause.
Just saw a crab walking in a straight line. It was shouting “I’m not drunk, you’re drunk” and it started a fight with a bin
[first day as a soldier]
Army guy: we deploy at 04:00hrs
Me: where we going?
Army guy: to war, soldier
Me [setting alarm for 11am]: ok enjoy
I avoid cheating on my spouse by not getting married.
Money can’t buy you happiness. But it can buy you burritos and a Slip N’ Slide. So you do the math.
ME: So. You from around here?
HER: Yes. You’re in my bedroom closet.
Worth a try
I’m meeting a man I really like for drinks. If I play my cards right, he’ll be deleting my number in a few hours.
Wife: can u unstack the dishwasher?
Me opening dishwasher, taking out large knife & cutting my hand off: I can’t, there’s been an accident.
One of the things that always makes me laugh about this place is how any time I say “I’m trying to use self-control” people always respond back with “No! Do it! Do iiiiiitttt!” *laughing hard*
Government Shutdown: Day 4
3am: Monkey House, National Zoo
A door crashes open.
A triumphant screech.Ben Stiller escapes into the night.